tabularasa_rp | open | i hit the bottom but I'm on the mend

Awkwardly enough, you wouldn't need to.

(Because surely a good chunk of his stolen memories was that one ins specific anyways. Still, he drops the intensity just a tad, long nails tapping on the table.)

Don't worry, it's really all I know. It is and it will continue being no matter what.(Ren wasn't told a thing about Damien's, and he surely won't tell anyone about what he saw, even with it being a strong bargain chip. He wouldn't really go through it.)

But I think you can understand why I'm asking you this.

Still.

[a beat]

And I absolutely understand. If what happened between the two of you got around -- well, it would put something of a scarlet letter on his chest, wouldn't it? [even if it wasn't real, the intent was still there. Akechi's still a murderer. he'd still read as dangerous, insane if anyone else knew]

I do have one question, though. [and there's another pause] Which me keeping my mouth shut isn't conditional on you answering. [just for the record] But well. Call me curious.

(Still for the fact his silence remains or still for the fact that Ren knows Damien knows?

He says nothing when there's no reason for it - Damien got it. There's no need to repeat what he has jut said.)

What is it?

[still for the fact that his silence remains, no matter how many people may have gotten the same glimpse of Ren]

[but anyway]

Why forgive him? Why be friends? Even if it wasn't real ... [again, the intent was there. he sure as fuck wouldn't be nice to Aiden, if and when he ever shows up here. he might aim for a truce, maybe, but it won't be a friendly thing]

(Friends... They're not exactly that at this point, are they?

Oh, boy. He has discussed this many, many times with Akechi at this point, till he's got a headache. To someone else? This is completely new, and Ren doesn't know what to say at first.)

I care about him. (For starters.) I understand it, as morbid as it sounds. It doesn't define him.

You were both being used.

[there's a note of question in his voice there, as he's not entirely sure that's the reason for it. oh, he knows that they were being used, the two of them pawns in a game being played by a godlike entity, Akechi told him as much. what he's unsure about is if that's the reason for Ren's understanding, his forgiveness]

That we were.

(No need to go around in circles if he knows that much and if Akechi told him, Ren might as well back his decision up by confirming. Still, Ren shakes his head.)

I understand him. (A slight correction that might answer Damien's question.

Sorry, feelings hard. It takes him a while to regather his thoughts, trying to make the best out of his words.)

Reaching for the past has no use for me when I can work towards a better future. (And if Damien cares to look, he might even see such resolve in Ren's eyes. They've been fine, despite of everything, here they are. Together. Trying. There's so much progress and Ren is happy, their past traumatizing relationship much less relevant in the face of change and growth.

His attitude happens to be beyond Akechi, even if he's the subject of the conversation. Damien saw some of the horrors Ren has experienced so far - Ren being arrested, Ren injured from head to toe with a target on his back, Ren... Working to make the Void at least bearable for everyone in it, working much longer shifts and lending an ear and cups of coffee to those who would need it. Why dwell when you can do something about it?)

[he does, in fact, note that, and he smiles a little for it, almost in spite of himself. that, that's where Ren and Aiden differ. Aiden wouldn't forgive him anymore than he would Aiden. setting new and foreign or otherwise, there'd be no forward movement for them]

[though ... ]

Is that a blanket statement? Or one reserved just for him?

[would Ren forgive him, if he knew what kind of person he really was? never mind the fact that he hasn't done a single thing to hurt anyone here. never mind the fact that he's never really lied, point blank, everything he's told Ren or anyone else here at least a fraction of the truth. he doesn't need any absolution here. he's more curious, then, if Ren would treat him different if he saw the whole of his truth]

[he imagines so. he's not so different from Aiden]

Applies for most.

(Ren knows there's something sketchy and it would be a lie if he said he fully trusts Damien. He doesn't, even if his action of kindness towards Akechi was welcomed and earned him some points.

Whether Ren would deal with him differently is all on Damien, though. He's willing to let the past be the past, there's not even a way to verify the story as is... But that's provided Damien doesn't pull that shit around here. Provided that he understands the gravity of his actions. Provided that he makes an effort to be a better person and does what needs to be done not to repeat his actions and fall on the same behavior pattern.

He's not scared to stand up to him otherwise.)

He's told you quite a bit, hasn't he?

[he has no reason to get up to old tricks, here -- no means to, even if he wanted to, and even if he did. well, we've gone in a circle, now. maybe that will change, as the Void does, maybe he'll feel like he has to go back to dealing in information and blackmail, but maybe not. Tifa's already seen a little bit of his darkness, and she didn't flinch. so did Akechi, even if that's a little different. point is that he has people who are willing to stand up for him, here, even seeing him, so maybe he'll never go back to his old habits]

[then again, though, he finds absolutely no fault in how he acted, back home, and he's planning -- some kind of brutal retribution for Hornet, if and when he can think something good, so it's hard to tell]

[either way, though, he drums his fingers on the table for a minute, then lets the question go. if he was planning on opening up, here, the moment has passed and he lets it, leaning into Ren's question with a shrug] More than most here, I think.

[a beat]

The whole memory situation helped. So did us talking while I stitched him up.

(That's good. It's not like Goro likes talking much about himself and his past, so at least the fact he has opened up with someone other than Ren can mean something.

Goro is changing, isn't he?

A small beat, and Ren circles back and into something he means to ask Damien ever since that conversation that seems to be months ago. Really, he can't tell.)

I do want to ask you something as well. Would that be alright?

You can ask.

[he reserves the right to not answer, however, depending on what the question entails. unless Ren plays his cards absolutely perfectly at this point, for example, he's missed the opportunity, here, for Damien to tell him the truth about himself]

Have you decided what you want to do regarding Aiden when you get home?

(Does he still remember their first conversation? Yes, he does. Now that he has a memory of his own, maybe it makes sense, doesn't it? His inability of letting go.

Also, amazing that their first conversation was about this. It truly is a talent.)

No.

[he pauses, sighing, and then shakes his head]

I almost wish he'd show up here. That would make things ... easier, somehow, maybe. [and that's the truth if only, like everything else, to a certain degree. he's not sure he'd actually want Aiden here, for all that it would ruin and regardless of how entertaining it would be, to push him off the mountain a few dozen times, but. but if he could work things out with him here, where Aiden couldn't just put a bullet in his head, where other people wouldn't let him, then maybe they could just go their separate ways, when they get home]

[he's not expecting forgiveness (and again, he won't ever forgive Aiden, him just as guilty as he is), just a chance to win his life back, when they go home]

(Add Ren to the list of people who would definitely have a knife against Aiden's throat should he make a move. No murder in the Void, for the love of everything holy.

He listens, and there's a burning question on the tip of his tongue and Ren can't help it. Sorry, Damien.)

Do you still like him? (Nevermind the boner, for Christ's sake. That surely was about something else entirely, wasn't it? For the way Damien seemed upset by the time he got to the car.)

... why is that so important?

[he's deflecting a little, to get out of having to answer that question, because there's no good way to that keeps him looking (mostly) clean, but he's also genuinely curious. why does his feelings for Aiden, or lack there of, matter so much?]

If you're hoping to play Cupid, if and when he shows up here ... [he's seeing someone. sort of. they're sleeping together, if nothing else]

(Oh, look! One of the rare moments Damien actually pulled a laugh out of Ren, deep chuckles filling the air before he speaks.)

Even if it would be incredibly amusing, (because he would, and he has done so to others,) I just think about the whole situation.

(With Damien reaching and attempting to get Aiden listening to him. It seemed like something he was bothered by, and perhaps that's a reason?)

Edited (better thought!... and i messed up grammar fixing it) 2020-10-20 21:32 (UTC)

I'm seeing someone.

[he's just going to blurt that out, because admitting that is better than the can of worms that is Aiden Pearce. no, he doesn't still have feelings for him. mostly. god, they were so good together, but -- no. that ship sailed when Aiden stopped answering his fucking phone calls]

That's not what I asked.

(Just a reminder, because don't think Ren doesn't see what Damien did there when he has the same communicative reflex. Not that he isn't happy to hear it, his eyes closing with the short smile he's offering to the other. It's nice to know that Damien has found someone in this nightmare of a place - there's strength in union, whatever that union may be.

He just hopes they're nice and treat Damien well at the end of the day. Don't think he won't come back to that, though, but for now:)

I hope it's going well.

She's ...

[he's not sure how to describe Melinoë, to be honest. the sex is good? she actually puts up with his bullshit, when he knows he's a hard man to live with? he scored a fucking goddess, take that, universe? yeah, he's definitely not sure, and so he just lets that go, shaking his head faintly]

It is. [it's going well. also, congratulations on finding out he's a bisexual disaster rather than a strictly gay disaster]

And my feelings on Aiden are complicated at very best. [there, happy?]

(He's not alone in that category. :)

Ren notices how the gears are turning, of course, but allows Damien to gather his thoughts.

Instead of prying with words, he simply leans forward a little, chin in hand and elbow on the table to listen better.)

... what?

[he answered the question! ... sort of, not really. what more do you want from him, though?]

(Whatever else he ends up telling Ren! About the girl, about Aiden. About anything, really.)

What?

You got what you wanted out of me.

[so, stop staring!]

open | i hit the bottom but I'm on the mend

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