tabularasa_rp | (closed) rivers in the deseeeeeeeeeert

[come at him. just fucking try it. maybe they'd both feel better, afterwards]

My -- [girlfriend? but god, he hates that terminology] -- the woman I'm seeing. She's a fucking death goddess. [is that on him, Ren not knowing who she is? what she is? no. no, he's not taking the blame for this. this has nothing to do with his hoarding information and not sharing]

(Unfortunately, it's not his style. He is fuming and in complete disbelief that the other keeps finding more and more ways to spin this without even being there. He won't raise a finger.

What does raise is an eyebrow. Ren had asked about her previously, and Damien withdrew all possible information.

Finally, it is not like he would have had the time to so, with Loki taking over not long after the fact. For now, he doesn't say another word, just watching the other carefully as he waits for the next accusation.)

[it's not like he would have had time to do so, indeed, and later, Damien will realize that -- that he overreacted, here. it's just been so long since he's had anyone he gives a shit about. it's why he avoids giving a shit about anyone]

[(someone like you, surrounded by so many fragile things -- it makes you fragile)]

[but at any rate, while his anger has not reached its end, he at least seems to be coming up dry on the accusations front. he shakes his head instead, then, closes his eyes briefly, tightly, and hisses a fuck, though it's not entirely directed at Ren. he was never really angry at him to begin with, he was just a convenient scapegoat. he may continue to be, depending]

At least tell me he, I don't know, actually woke up.

[tell him he's not braindead in bed, somewhere. never mind the fact that logically he knows that Ren wouldn't leave Akechi now, if he hadn't, anymore than he would have before, when Hornet stabbed him and if something went wrong. he's still -- too emotional for logic for the time being]

He has.

(Took him a while, though. If Damien had searched for Ren, he'd know that Heavenly Blanc was not the place to find him until now. Damien is right on that - Ren would not leave Akechi, and he hasn't.

He patiently waited, knowing fully well that if the coma he found himself in was breakable, Akechi certainly would pull through.

The fact that Damien seemed to have thought that Ren had something to do with the incident directly still sits on his brain, by the way. Does Damien think he's capable of such thing?)

Edited 2020-11-01 19:37 (UTC)

[he's not necessarily putting the blame on him -- again, he's just a convenient scapegoat, but. but heroes are supposed to save people, defeat the bad guy, aren't they? it's what Aiden spent the last year doing, up to and including probably putting a bullet in his head, when he gets home. so, why didn't he save Akechi? why couldn't he?]

[(why did the Sector Seven plate fall, in Tifa's world, when she's the hero? when they won? why is everything such fucking bullshit?)]

[letting out a shaky breath, one he didn't realize he'd been holding, he finally, finally deflates a little] Fine. Good. [this is a man who met his last big letdown with anger, before he even met Aiden. this anger now, like then, is him grieving, though he'd never admit it]

(Whether Ren is a hero is debatable, but that's not the point here.

The point here is that nothing meaningful and worthwhile can bloom without its hardships – a concept that Ren and the Phantom Thieves of Hearts hold within their very core, with all they have endured. There’s a certain type of strength in vulnerability, in pain, that propels them forward, that inspires them to work through their mistakes and to channel their anger and disappointment into making a difference so that others don’t have to go through what they have. The Phantom Thieves of Hearts won too, and yet, here he is standing before Damien, still carrying the weight and the trauma of being arrested for a crime he hasn’t committed, of the stigma that he faced daily and of all the psychological effects the situation triggered on him. And yet, he wouldn’t change it.

Heroes bleed. Isn’t that the reason they’re heroes in the first place?

They’re flawed, human and they make mistakes, like Ren has, and still, those become the very foundation to conquer whatever goal they have to accomplish. Ren couldn’t save Akechi this time, nor could he last time. Akechi himself has told him – it’s impossible to save everyone, specially when they don’t want to be saved. It won’t stop him from feeling shitty about it, but he will do what he thinks it’s the right set of actions to make sure this doesn’t ever happen again and let that be his redemption; be better going forward rather than to beat himself up to the point of inaction.

Something meaningful that blooms from hardships.)

I know you care about him. (For someone who told Damien to use his big boy words, Ren barely ever does. Time to shift out of that for a while.)

[maybe, then, that's why he's the villain -- he doesn't want to bleed, doesn't want to hurt. maybe he's the villain because when he does (and god, he does and often, that a constant, a hard truth of his world, of Chicago long before he decided to use his powers for self-gain), it makes him bitter, not better. maybe they're just cut from different cloth, and that's all there is to it]

[either way, rather than respond to that, right off, he finally lifts his coffee mug to take a sip, using it to try and steady himself. he's not sure it works. he feels so fucking raw in the wake of his anger, now. what is it they say that comes after that anger, in grief? depression?]

More than feels smart, most days.

[because some day, someone will use that against him. because some day Akechi will turn on him, like Aiden did. the same old story beats repeat over and over and over again, throughout his life]

(Or maybe not. Nobody said Ren's not bitter - who wouldn't be after seeing the things he has? Experiencing the things he did? Perhaps the only thing that differs is how Ren decided to deal with his bitterness and resentment next to those he loves. To use it towards something good.

Who knows who Ren would have been if not for the people around him?)

I know.

(He too, deflates a little. Seems like the fight is over and he relaxes his shoulders as his own mug of coffee ends up between his hands.)

[maybe. maybe that's why Damien's getting better, because he's slowly developing people he cares about, because they just might stand with him, when everything goes to shit, unlike everyone else in his miserable life. or maybe not. maybe that's why he hasn't been absolutely and entirely upfront with anyone here -- because he knows they'd walk out]

[but that's not entirely important, right now]

I know he's important to you, too. [a beat] And I know you tried. [much as that's hard to admit, for all that it's meant to be an apology. he'd love to keep using Ren as his whipping boy, but]

(What a fine line between a hero and a villain, if Ren can even be called that.

He's no knight in shining armor.

There's a fond smile that graces Ren's expression, which had finally relaxed in its entirety. Somehow, he's glad that Damien came to talk to him about it. Seems like it did something.)

He is. (Ren confirms and nods, as to accept the unspoken apology. At this rate, surely Damien's coffee has grown cold, so he simply gestures for the cup to given for a refil.)

[sighing, Damien lets go of his cup, pushing it across the counter to Ren. when he returns it to him, he all but curls up around, silent for a time following, looking exhausted, old. this conversation may have broken some wall between them, somewhere, somehow, but god, it's been exhausting]

You're -- together, aren't you? You and him.

[he's suspected for a little while, now. the fact that he seemed to have zero interest in Yoshizawa, when she could have been his fucking clone in the dream has sort of solidified that assumption. as has this conversation]

(So far, other than the Phantom Thieves & Affiliation, it's fair to say that only Blue knows that for a fact. So excuse him when he coughs a little, like he wasn't expecting the question - because he is dumb, it was totally coming at some point.

Idiot.)

What makes you think that?

(And a new cup is offered.)

[some of his anger returns, then, though it's faint -- embers of a dying fire]

Don't play me for an idiot.

[don't force him to make admissions, then offer nothing in return. he might change his mind about beating you to death with your own coffee mug]

(Nobody forced you to do anything, Damien. (:

One thing he is sure of - if Damien was shocked to learn that they're friends even after what he had seen, he can't imagine the confusion it might bring to learn that his suspicions ring true.)

... Yes.

[did he mention beating you to death, Ren?]

[since he is not a mindreader, however, he just scoffs at that, shaking his head] Well, that explains why you're so damn fascinated by my relationship with Aiden. [is that telling, given what Ren knows about Aiden? given what Ren's own relationship with Akechi is like? maybe, but he's too emotionally exhausted to try and cover for himself, in that instant]

And I still don't understand how -- [how he can forgive Akechi. how he can be with him, after that] -- but that's what I thought. [congratulations? or something?]

Isn't it because it was the first thing you ever told me?

(Why would it be anything else? It's not like Ren's aware of the parallels and contrasts.

Honestly, he sees unresolved shit, he meddles with unresolved shit.)

Was it?

[they've talked so much, he honestly doesn't remember what the first thing he and Ren ever chatted about was. but sure, let's go with that. either way, he waves Ren off] Regardless. [regardless, they're not talking about him, here]

The very first time we met.

("Hello, my name is Damien, this is my issue with my vigilante friend who will get himself killed."

Nah, he's joking.

But he does remember something along those lines. He probably wrote it down later.)

Regardless.

[regardless]

This would be the part where I threaten you -- [to not hurt Akechi or whatever] -- but I think we already covered that. [or close enough to, during their fight. it's an attempt at a joke, though. sort of. it's not his fault it wasn't a particularly good one. it's not his fault that this whole thing is a fucking clusterfuck]

[and he's just going to let out a heavy exhale, that in mind, and scrub a hand over his face, emotionally exhausted from being angry] ... what I wouldn't give for a cigarette, right now. {never mind the fact that he quit about a year ago, give or take]

(Ren... Believes it's impossible, but that's what makes relationships strong, isn't it? Disagreements and mending. So he just snorts, shaking his head playfully.

The comment makes his eyes open a little, as if a lightbulb just lit above his head while he knees behind the counter. Damien can probably hear the clanks and clinks of things being messed with and moved, but unfortunately, he emerges unsuccessful.)

None of Sojiro's. I'm sorry.

He smoked?

[it's probably safe to assume that Sojiro's name has come up, over the course of their conversations, at least once. the fact that he smokes, however, is news -- a little disappointing, that there aren't any cigarettes to be had, but still news]

That's why we have ashtrays.

(Sojiro... Ren misses him. There's a hint of nostalgia in the smile he gives Damien... He probably hasn't told the other about his relationship to the aforementioned man, or at least he hasn't gone too much into it besides the brief 'legal guardian' explanation.)

[he hums, accepting that, then admits:] I wasn't sure whether or not Japan still allowed smoking indoors. [and that that wasn't the reason for them. that they were for the customers, not the owner] Chicago passed laws against back in ... 2008? 2009? Something like that.

[vaping indoors took another five or six years, which is why he switched to e-cigarettes, at some point]

He smokes outside, though.

(But other than that, he isn't sure because he doesn't smoke. And well, doesn't care about it too much.)

Sojiro cares a lot about the place. (And that's partly why Ren is so caring of Heavenly Blanc too. It's for Sojiro, and well. Ren made a home out of it.)

Which explains why it doesn't smell like cigarette smoke, beyond the ... [he waves a hand, gesture encompassing the whole of the place. beyond the fact that it's only really half Leblanc]

I never smoked around my computers, at home. [because his computers were important to him, and nothing ruins the cooling on a desktop than nicotine dust. never mind the fact that his landlord probably would have had a fit, if he'd smoked in his apartment]

(closed) rivers in the deseeeeeeeeeert

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