tabularasa_rp | [open] November catch-all

[ it's unexpected, to be honest, running into cole when he decides to step outside of the apartments for just a moment. it's not like the guilt of what he did ever really left, but seeing cole face-to-face like this has leo's heart leaping into his throat. he's... relieved, of course. while simultaneously being so, so anxious of the deserved consequences of what he did.

leo's not ready, but that doesn't matter. at least cole... seems okay. enough to look for him, he thinks, which um, honestly, makes leo feel a little more like shit. he should've been the one to do that.

his gaze goes to cole's shoulder, the image of a sword flashing through his mind before he speaks: ]

... Ko. I-- [ ahahaha. ] Um... You okay? How's your shoulder...?

[ he'll make sure of that first before descending into asking for forgiveness he doesn't deserve. ]

[There he is. It's a relief to see him unharmed... but beyond that, he's not entirely sure how to feel. Despite that, he approaches him easily enough.]

...You remember.

[He doesn't say it with any surprise, just confirmation. So that was only real in the dream. He's not sure that's a good thing.]

There's a scar, but that's all. It wasn't real otherwise.

[If he's expecting consequences, he's about to be sorely disappointed... or something.]

I didn't want to leave, but Sena could help you better than I could. I wanted to make sure you're not hurting now. I can go after that.

[The nightmare had been messing with Leo's head, he knows that, but the reminder of what he is, that he's always going to be forgotten, was real.]

[ wow, cole sure is good at making him feel awful! the one-two punch mention of you remember and there's a scar that gets leo's brow to furrow.

yeah, yeah, he remembers. he shouldn't have ever forgot that ko was his precious friend, especially considering what he went through in the past. he shouldn't have stabbed him? that goes without saying.

with the words "i can go", leo's immediate reflex is a: ]

No. You've gotta stay-- [ wait, ] Or... um... If you want. I can't ask you to do anything at this point, right? But I want you to stay, Ko.

[ and he wants them to stay friends. or at least for cole to consider him a friend, but he's not sure he has a right to that after what he did. he'll just have to live with that.

after that small, sad conclusion that cole can no longer read, he continues. ]

... Can I see it?

[ "i can't ask you to do anything", immediately asks him to stay and then show his stabby-stabby scar. jesus. but there we go. let him see the cool scar, cole, leo tsukinaga is just Like This. ]

[The silence around his words feels louder now that he can't hear him anymore. He wishes he could hear him now, without the nightmare twisting his thoughts. It would make it easier to help.]

You could forget me again.

[The way he says it, it's hard to tell if he means it as a possibility, or as a suggestion.]

Will seeing it help you feel any better?

[He doesn't think it will. He doesn't even know if Leo's answer will be truthful. He can't tell anymore.]

[ ... cole. but leo can't fault him for that. how can leo offer him any assurance now, when he already forgot? that'd be a shameless, shameless lie, as much as leo wishes it could be a truth.

so, he swallows his reassurances, and offers this truth instead: ]

Nope. [ simply. ] It'll be the worst. It'll... really, really hurt.

[ just like the one on sena. ]

But that's why I needa see it. It'll remind me that I hurt you, that even if it was 'cause of this place... [ no excuses. that was the him of the past, back then, and it was still him holding the sword. ] Mm, no. It was me. It'll remind me that I was stupid enough, awful enough to hurt you and forget.

[ he needs to gather up every little memory, every proof of cole that he can, so even if a little starts to slip away... yeah. ]

I don't wanna do that ever again, Ko.

[That sounds like the truth. Far from denying it would hurt, at least.]

[But how can he say yes when he knows it'll hurt him that much?]

You don't have to beat yourself for this, Leo.

I helped Sena to see something was wrong, and then he could help you. If I helped at all by being there, then that's enough. It's better that it was me, than someone who might want to hurt you back.

[Because he doesn't want that, at all. He'd sensed the change as he'd been running away, which was a good thing. But he didn't need to be there for the rest, because he had Izumi. A friend who's real, to remind him of what's real.]

You already know that's not who you want to be. You don't have to keep hurting yourself to know it more.

I can try to forget it happened, if that will make it hurt less for you.

[He offers, as if offering to throw out some old photos. Honestly, the details are already fuzzy after wandering the nightmare wanting the pain to stop. It's not something he really wants to remember, though the scar will make it hard to forget completely.]

[ ......... there's a small exhale at that. he already knew he didn't want to return to being that person before this happened, again, but apparently that wasn't enough. will people who he hurt stop trying to make him feel better already? it's-- it makes him love them more, but it doesn't make him hate himself any less. more, actually. how do you hurt people as kind as this?

he can't let that go. so he shifts a little closer, just a little, outstretching a hand to tug at cole's sleeve. ]

... You can if you want to... but closing our eyes like that thing never happened is kinda like running away, y'know? I can't do that again. I hurt someone I love, and that's the truth.

[ ... ]

See, it's not beating myself up. It's seeing the proof of something I did. It's another memory of you and me, awful as it is. But I wanna grab every piece I can, even if they're sharp and my hands bleed, so that there's too much to slip away. Help me do that, Ko? Stop offering to be forgotten or to forget. Help me remember instead, will you?

[He glances at Leo's hand, not otherwise reacting to the contact. Running away... but he's not real. If Leo wants to run away from this, from Cole, he can. If it would make him hurt less, then he should.]

[He wants to run, himself. Being invisible and forgotten is easier. He knows what to expect, and his presence can't harm anyone. But now Leo is still here, calling him a loved one, saying he wants to remember him even when the memories hurt.]

[He doesn't pull his arm away, but he does take a step back, whispers of fear putting him on edge.]

I don't want you to remember me if it hurts you. Why would you want that?

[ well. that step back hurts, but leo won't come closer. he keeps his grip gentle on cole's sleeve, leo's gaze carefully trained on cole's face. he hasn't truly said sorry yet, but he wants to let this be known first. for cole to know what he's thinking, and for him to know what cole's thinking in turn.

because even if cole doesn't consider them that, even if leo doesn't deserve to call him that, cole is still his friend.

he's... tired, honestly, drawn taut by everything. but he gathers his energy, musters and struggles through the words, and: ]

'Cause remembering you makes me happy. If I forget, I'll forget that too! [ d'uh. ] Y'know, being alive isn't as simple as just not getting hurt? Like music's not as simple as just making noise. There's... Mm. There's sparkling lights, yeah, but there's also pain. There's sounds, but there's also silence sometimes. That's the brilliant reality I've learned about.

[ the reality of the world that leo's lived through. he may try to avoid it, but, again. he's lived with it, and he has to continue living with it, finding the good in the bad, and learning from the bad.

it's not as applicable to his side of the situation, he thinks, because he's not the one hurt. but maybe cole needs to hear that, to understand.

he tugs gently on cole's sleeve again. ]

I know I betrayed you in the worst way. I don't even know if I have a right to ask this... I still wanna be friends. Can you let me? It's okay if you just ignore me asking this pretty selfish thing.

Edited (whoops wording) 2020-11-02 16:38 (UTC)

[He'll have a hard time seeing his face with the way he keeps his head low enough that his hat hides his expression- but when Leo tells him remembering him makes him happy, he does look up, tense with confusion and the urge to bolt.]

[Maybe that's an obvious thing to Leo, but it's hard for Cole to wrap his head around. He's always helping people and doing what he can to make them happy, yes, but that's just what he does. He doesn't make people happy. Seeing him, knowing what he is, usually has the opposite effect.]

[Leo's not the only one here to treat him like he's a person. Sometimes he wishes they would stop, and he could go back to being forgotten... but sometimes, it's nice. Leo has always been nice to him, even when he learned how dangerous he can be. He speaks to him in a way that's easy to hear and understand, even if it can be confusing for other people. Maybe the Leo that stabbed him in the nightmare is what he used to be like, but Cole used to be like that, too. That was a different Leo. This Leo wouldn't betray him... right?]

[It's not that he's afraid of having friends, in a sense. He can choose to hide from them or not, and he can always make them forget him if it's better that way. He can just make it stop if it gets too much or too painful. But not here. He has to live with what happens like a person, and like Leo says, living isn't that simple. And Leo really wants to remember him.]

[Cole wants Leo to remember him, too. That's the scary part.]

I want you to be happy... and I'm glad that you don't see a monster when you look at me.

[Leo stabbing him really has very little to do with his reluctance.]

But that could change. I could still hurt you without meaning to. I don't want to lose any more friends.

[ ... first of all, ]

Er... Now I wanna see the scar to double-check that I'm not remembering this wrong, 'cause you're the one that got stabbed, right...?

[ it's funny in a morbid way. because with the way cole is talking, it's like-- their positions were reversed? isn't that what leo should be saying?

he can't help but say that as the thought immediately pops into his mind. that's... not the super important thing, though, more of an aside. so leo moves aside from that easy enough, letting go of cole's sleeve now to reaaaach to shift up his hat (maybe he's gotta tiptoe a little for this), so cole can't hide his face again.

because leo's rude. ]

Maybe you're the one with bad memory, Ko? Here, lemme remind you: I'm the one that hurt you. So, in the future, you can do whatever you want to me, and I can guarantee I won't get mad. I won't leave. Even without me doing something terrible to you first -- I still wouldn't, as long as I'm still me.

[ it's a bad trait of his, sometimes, but in this case he's glad he has it. ]

[Cole doesn't stop him or move away, though it's less that he's letting him and more that he's unsure of what he should do in this situation, arms held awkwardly near his sides.]

...I don't like getting hurt, but that wasn't you. Not anymore. And if hurting me helped you to remember that, then that's good.

[It's a good thing you stabbed the ghost, probably. It's fine.]

[He's not sure whether he can believe that, but he doesn't think Leo would lie to him about it, either. He's just not sure he can promise that he wouldn't leave, run away like he ran from Rhys, if it came down to that.]

If you want to be friends, then there's something I want to ask you, too.

[ ... cole should not say "if hurting me helped you" so casually, because every time he mentions it leo feels terrible. which, like, fair, but. god.

give him a second to wipe that slightly guilty expression off his face as he releases cole's hat, his head tilting curiously at the request. he shouldn't have a reason to be anxious about that, since cole's been... way too agreeable and confusing, as he is wont to be, but.

somehow it still does make him a little nervous? ]

... Sure, anything. I'll answer it as straightforwardly and seriously as I can -- I owe you at least that much.

[ so, mm. go ahead, cole? ]

[Sorry if that felt bad, because he's probably not going to like this either.]

You saw a part of what I was, back when I was still friends with Rhys. I'd forgotten what I was, that I should have been trying to help people. I killed people who needed my help, because I thought I had to. Then I didn't care about helping anyone but Rhys, even if it meant sinking into the dark.

[He doesn't entirely regret killing those templars. It's the way he was when he did it. He'd have mercilessly cut down anyone to protect Rhys, or avenge him. Helping anyone else was the last thing on his mind.]

[The mages he killed, though, that way of "helping" was wrong. Not that he even told Leo about that part before now.]

I can't be that again. If I ever forget, if I become something that hurts instead of helps, will you stop me? You'll kill me?

[The nightmare could have easily done that to him, like it did to Leo. He's glad it didn't. But nightmares aren't the only place where that can happen, for him.]

[ hahahahaha. what the hell, cole. he's a normie idol? that's something you ask a jrpg character?

leo absolutely didn't expect that to be the question, judging from the way his eyes widen. actually, considering what just happened with izumi back in mementos, he-- the phrase "you'll kill me" absolutely makes him sick, even if izumi turned out okay. physically okay, anyway. he can only imagine that sword back in his hand and izumi's falling body, and leo, um. leo tries not to but his hands start shaking lightly at the thought of having to kill cole. as he thinks back to the fact that, in his mind, he killed izumi.

that wound's pretty fresh. now that he knows what death means when it's like that, he definitely, definitely, definitely knows he can't do that.

can you ask me something else, he wants to say, but he'd said he'd answer it seriously. he owes cole at least that much, so he tries to collect his slightly panicked breath. ]

I can't-- I can't promise that, you know? Sorry. Sorry, I know you're trusting me with it, but... I don't want you to die, Ko.

[ is that the wrong answer? it's the only answer leo can give, honestly. maybe it's cowardly. maybe it's another betrayal to cole, but he can't lie. ]

I can try to stop you, but I can't--

[ thanks for triggering his trauma and his guilt cole, super appreciated here. ]

[In this scenario, with Leo, it's not a betrayal so much as it's just... disappointing. At least Leo acknowledges it's something he wants to trust him with, unlike Ahsoka who just flatly refused the idea on the whole.]

[He just barely notices the way his hands shake. Does he hate the idea that much? He really is too kind. He won't force Leo to say yes. He needs to find someone here who will, but it doesn't have to be him.]

If you won't, then I'll ask someone else.

[It's not an accusation, just a statement of what he needs to do.]

But... I'll try not to die.

[Even if he'd rather die than become a monster, he'd still like to continue living, and helping.]

I can't promise you that I won't ever leave. But I can try... being friends.

[ ... he's still trying to control himself here. it's pathetic enough showing this much, but everything about this is still so recent and raw that it's difficult to. this sure is a curveball that cole threw at him so mercilessly.

jesus.

leo wishes he was strong enough to say yes to that. he knows that if it came down to it, if this place made him do something like he just did, he'd want someone else to cut him down too.

with that in mind, maybe later on leo'll reconsider the offer. he... doubts even then he could agree, but it's better than thinking he's destined to let cole down forever. he stills his shaking hands, calms his breath, and attempts to focus on the rest of what cole says.

with the "i can try", leo can manage a smile. ]

It's okay. I'm the last person that can complain if someone leaves, so... I'll remember and treasure you for whatever time I have.

[ earnestly. ]

... And you better try real hard. To not die, I mean. I can't do what you want me to, but I can kick your ass if you ever go back! You won't, I know you won't, but I'm just saying.

[Leo just gets a vague nod and awkward silence in response to those earnest feelings. It still doesn't feel quite real, like those are just fleeting feelings that Leo will forget soon enough. That's what he's used to. He hardly knows what to do with something like that if it doesn't disappear.]

[But he said he would try.]

Thank you.

[Sincerely. On both counts.]

[ ... that does the rest of the job for grounding leo. he... didn't come into this conversation expecting to be wholly admonished, as much as he feared it, or as much as he would've understood it...

but he didn't walk into it expecting to be thanked, either. that he could get even a little closer to cole -- he's grateful for that, even if it's still a clumsy, tentative thing between the both of them. ]

Mmm. You don't needa thank me for something like that? Especially when I should be the one saying that. I should be saying... Thanks for letting me in even though I hurt you. Thanks for reaching your hand out to meet mine even when it's scary.

[ he knows firsthand how that feels.

he pauses here, now, hesitant over his next words. this is something he should say, something he needs to say, so-- ]

... Or something like: I'm sorry, Ko. I'll do better, so I don't betray the trust you put in me.

[ or so he doesn't get mcstabbed again but either way.

they're? friends? however fragile it may be. and like leo said, he'll treasure that for as long as he can. ]

[open] November catch-all

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