Let me Crawl Inside Your Veins (Wide Open)

[bridge_princess]

Who: Parsee bridge_princess and You!
What: February Open Log
Where: Pretty much anywhere
When: February (after the 8th)
Content Warnings: Body Horror, Blood, Roots and flowers growing in things like lungs and other places they don't belong. Probably some serious self loathing here

Prompts below!

Comments

[pinwheels]

There were a lot of different things to process from what Parsee told her. She had disappeared, then, like Rinoa had originally thought. But like Cole and the others, she'd come back... only to... hide from her? Considering how often the raven-haired girl had insisted Parsee wouldn't do exactly that, there was something of a sting in the new knowledge, but where others might have been angry about it, Rinoa was only sad.

Maybe someone else would've been mad, too, that the confession came at Parsee's weakest, at the inherent manipulation, whether intended or not, but that only brought sadness with it too, a guilt that she hadn't been there for Parsee as much as she would have wanted to.

But she didn't bring it up. In the moment, they had much bigger things to be concerned about, didn't they? For one...

"Parsee..."

Later, she would be mad at herself for being as naïve as everyone had always said she was. Somehow, she'd convinced herself that everything would work out okay, that no one would have to get hurt. But seeing Parsee like this was enough to tell her that that could never have been true. Even beyond the strange illness that had taken the other's feelings hostage, as she looked at her, listened to those words of confession, Rinoa realized for the first time that no matter what, someone would end up hurt through all this. Possibly even everyone.

And that thought only brought with it more guilt. Despite having encouraged Parsee to take the time to sort her feelings out, she was still entirely unsure of her own, beyond wanting Squall here. And if he did come, what then? If she told Parsee "yes" in this moment, only for him to show up in the Void too... who would be left hurting? She was far too honest to even try to convince herself that she wouldn't want to run back to his side in a heartbeat. How would that be fair?

Or what if they never found their way home - what if she never saw Squall again? What if she gave up the chance to have something out of the fear of hurting someone?

Then again, what if she did agree, started something only to have it wrenched away by one or both of them being sent back home?

There were so many possibilities, so many ways things could change from here. And for a moment Rinoa couldn't help but think it might be easier to just agree, to spare Parsee the pain in the moment and worry about the rest as it came. But... the disease sprouted out of not sharing feelings honestly, right?

"I... I don't know." Rinoa took a deep breath, and offered the other a small smile; weak, but genuine. "I wanna tell you that I can be that person for you, because... because I don't want to see you hurting. But I also know that if I'm being honest, I can't promise you that I'll ever stop wanting Squall here." Maybe that would change, as time passed... but what sort of person would she be if she let Parsee hold onto that thought? "And you know you deserve better than that, right? You deserve to be with someone who knows what she feels and what she wants. And right now I don't know any of those things."

She reached out, took Parsee's hands in hers. "I promised you that I'd think about it, if this was your decision, and I'm gonna keep that promise. I'll think about it, okay? As quickly as I can. But I can't make any new promises right now."

[bridge_princess]

She didn't speak up until Rinoa had finished. It was a lot for both of them. The youkai only initially made sounds of grunting, the kind you made while you were holding a cough back. She struggled with it and when she did finally cough, here were in her hands a batch of withered, dried, dead petals. Her eyes widened and she sighed, visibly relaxing just a little. Oh god, good, she wasn't about to turn into a plant zombie. She'd been a little worried, but seeing the withered petals? It meant that it would slowly recover, right? She'd done what she had to.

But that didn't change the fact that, even if the disease was slowly on the mend, the elephant wasn't now here on the top of the mountain. Parsee scooted in closer, her eyes locking with Rinoa's. Emotions were roiling in her head. When Rinoa said 'I don't know if I'll ever stop wanting him to come' she looked hurt and angry, but not surprised. It was part of why she'd been trying to avoid even talking about this. When she heard 'you deserve,' she looked guilty, almost muttering how she didn't. She'd been back for two weeks and avoiding the object of her desire out of fear of rejection. She'd absolutely ghosted Rinoa for two weeks, so why did she deserve to have her know exactly how she felt that instant, no matter how she wanted?

But there were two words she didn't hear. She didn't hear 'no' and she didn't hear 'sorry.' Rinoa wasn't turning her down. Her hand planted on the ground across Rinoa's lap and she swallowed raggedly, breathing in and out before speaking. "It... doesn't matter what I deserve, Rinoa." It didn't. Not really. "I want you... so if you need time to figure this out then you have it. It took me months to decide what I wanted, and I've decided I want you. And I just put you through all this? You have time. I won't lie. Right now? I want you to tell me yes and kiss me right now... But if you're not telling me no, if you're still figuring it out for yourself? I'm... I'm... I'm ok with that."

As she said that, she felt something changing a little bit and she could almost hear. Feel? It was hard to put into words but she was feeling emotions from the other woman, and not just jealousy. It made her ache because she could feel hurt and pain but also it was exhilarating because it wasn't jealousies. She swallowed and dipped her head, trying to rest it on Rinoa's shoulder. "Jus... I'm going to try and flirt with you now, bit by bit. I want you to say yes, after all." Yeah, that'd be awful, and she knew it. But if she just waited for her? It would end badly. "And I won't hide, not from you. Ever again."

[pinwheels]

The hurt, the anger, they were both expected expressions. The guilt, too. What wasn't expected was the relief on Parsee's face and in the whole of her body when she coughed up withered, dried flower petals. Then again, given what the other had told her - if the disease came from people not speaking the truth, then it made sense that the cure might have been the very opposite. Either way, it was clear that Parsee knew more about the thing than she did, so if she was relieved, then the problem was probably pretty much settled.

Well, kind of. Rinoa wasn't sure how Parsee's body would heal from the damage already done to it, especially without the Void having long ago stolen the healing magics of those here... and her breathing was still ragged, and she still seemed so weak...

"I'm really proud of you, you know." She smiled, trying to put the worrying thoughts aside for now, and shifted so that the other could rest her head more easily. "When we first arrived, my answer would've made you angry. I've said it before, I think, but this place has been really good for you."

And then, Parsee made a comment about flirting, and a peal of laughter escaped Rinoa's lips - not mocking, not cruel, but delighted and amused. "And I guess I never even imagined you flirting with someone!" It was something that came so easily to her, and to some others here too - but Parsee wasn't that type of personality. Kind of like—

Rinoa frowned, pushing that thought aside for now. There was a lot, a lot for her to think about. But this wasn't the time nor the place for it. Parsee had put herself through a hell of a lot for this moment. The least she could do was honor it for what it was.

"Good. No hiding. I was really worried about you, you know. But..." Her head tilted, curiosity in her gaze as she looked down at Parsee. "You did leave for a while, right? You weren't hiding the whole time."

[bridge_princess]

When she said that, about being proud of her, Parsee's face went beet red. She grunted something non-committal, because Rinoa wasn't wrong. She would have gone positively nuts if she'd been into her like this, and it had been just after she arrived. But, when she felt the thoughts starting to turn towards Squall, she didn't react with absolute fury or causing trouble. There was a pang of jealousy, but she waited. And then ... she felt Rinoa shelve him. She felt the warring emotions a little bit, and ...

She giggled. It might have seemed like an odd reaction, but she did giggle a little. Her head rested right under Rinoa's chin and she reached up to tap the part of her collarbone above her heart. "I... should warn you. I think you're right. This place's... good for me. All of you are... good for me. Still jealous, but... I have control over it for now. But..." Another little giggle. "Something changed."

"I can... I can kind of hear what you're thinking right at the surface. Feel your emotions. A little. That's new. That's not what I'm supposed to be able to do. This place's changing me. All of you're changing me. I can probably shut it off, but I know you were thinking about him. And then... you just put him to the side for a moment, because I'm here. Is it bad that I felt good that you pushed him to the side, just for a moment, for me?" Her eyes shifted and she tilted her head up to look right in Rinoa's gaze. "You know... when you decide? You're gonna have to tell the truth. I'll know what's in here." The finger on he collarbone became a hand pressing lightly there.

"And no hiding. I'm... I'm thinking about moving into the apartments finally." A swallow. Kimihiro's place had been vacant. Eerily so. She knew what that meant. "And yeah. Bout a week here. Years for me. It was weird. But made me realize I want to be here."