tabularasa_rp | (open) where have you been? been searching all along 𝅘𝅥𝅮

He does.

(Blue is not wrong here either, but it does nudge Ren to ask for a favor.)

Keep this between us, though. He'd be very pissed.

(To tell someone anything about Akechi is already walking on a thin line. To tell Blue he was right? Even worse. That being said...)

You left my questions unanswered. Your turn.

(It was a deal...! Choose your words carefully, Blue. You may never get a peep from Ren on something personal ever again depending on how you navigate this.)

Yeah, yeah, of course. I figured as much anyway- sheesh, you think I'm really the type to go running around spilling private secrets?

[He's almost hurt! ...Though he doesn't really think that.]

[...]

[Blue reaches for a second beer, grinning serenely as he allows a single moment to pass after Ren's request.]

Ummm, remind me what your question was, again?

(Not at all, but it's called "self-preservation". Akechi would kill him.

Ren finally finished the second beer, and while the world is spinning, it's light enough not to freak him out. He decided this should probably be where he stops, seen that severe dizziness and disorientation are not that great memory triggers. So far, it's fine, though! The next can he reaches for should be sparkling water.)

Red. Do you have romantic feelings for Red and does he know?

(Because saying "like" will trigger a whole Of Course I Like Him He's My Best Friend speech that really, at this point, he already got that.)

Ah.....

[This little shit. Blue takes a long, slow sip of his new beer, and pushes the pitcher of water towards Ren. Get drinking, boy.]

[How to handle this............. He wouldn't understand it if he just gave a straight answer, because of course it wasn't so simple. It didn't really matter what Blue felt; no matter how much he had felt for Red, then, or now, Red was still gonna be impassive, immovable Red.]

I don't think there's anything I don't feel about Red, at this point. Tired, romantic, bitter, grateful....... I don't know where it starts or ends, anymore.

[He takes another long sip. He's gonna need it.] I don't know what the hell he knows. He doesn't pay attention.

(Ah... So it is like this, huh? Perhaps it's a condition of liking your rival, the constant mix of emotions. Blue would know this better than him, of course. Ren can't even imagine what's like - a lifetime of confusing emotions melding into one another.)

Why not tell him?

(It's a genuine question, because he doesn't know their story. He doesn't know the resentment or what it is they went through.)

[Blue looks at him like he's an idiot. Arceus. He wouldn't get it, would he?]

Why would I do that? [He asks incredulously, honestly, like he's not quite sure why he'd have to explain it. Why would he open himself up to hurt like that? Why show weakness?? ....If there isn't an absolute chance if victory, don't show your cards. Something like that would describe his way of thinking perfectly.]

[They really were probably more alike than Ren knew.]

[Blue sighs deeply again, and muses over the lip of his drink.] ...Red is.... He's not.... [Another grumble of frustration.] He doesn't-- pay attention to people, like that. He never has. There's only Pokémon, to that guy...

[It wasn't a bad thing; Blue could say that maybe he even kind of liked that about him, in a way- was always charmed by it, at the least. But that didn't make it any less painful of a fact to accept. And anyway, Blue had plenty of other, more personal reasons, too....]

Edited (fart noise x2) 2020-09-07 23:13 (UTC)

(He's too interested and too buzzed to care for that look. So. It's whatever, it's fine.

Ren's knuckles find his cheeks as he listens, concentrated on what Blue is finally sharing and while it doesn't take a genius to find the frustration, or perhaps annoyance in Blue's words. They were all too clear... )

Wouldn't you agree you're not just about anyone, though?

(After all, they indeed are Childhood Friends Who Grew Up Together Since You Were Practically Babies Etc, so it shouldn't be too much of a leap to assume Blue means something to the other, right?)

Is there a goal he's focused on?

A goal...? Ahh....

[Could it really be called a goal? More of an ongoing interest, Blue thinks- maybe it's presumptuous of him, but Blue is pretty sure he knows more than anyone what Red's "goal" is.]

He just wants to meet all different Pokémon, and have the most interesting, the most fun battles he can.

....That guy, he's really a simpleton, but I guess when it comes to us trainers it's sort of the purest it gets, huh? I can't disagree with either of those "goals", if that's what you wanna call 'em.

[He is completely glossing over that first question thank you.]

(Doesn't sound immediate and urgent enough to just cut off people from his life and be overall uninterested in anything else though?

Huh...)

Let's say you do talk to him. What do you expect is going to happen?

(The fact that there's no answer to the first inquiry doesn't go unnoticed - Ren does that all the time. Answer what he feels like answering, like there was nothing before or after.

Maybe because of that, he knows it's not the time to push.)

...Pfftha, he probably wouldn't get it for a while, [Blue puffs out a soft laugh; it's almost charmed, just imagining it.] He'd be way confused........ And then he'd just be stupidly embarrassed. He'd probably hide under his hat for a while and run off to the top of Mt. Silver again.

[Speaking of ...casually traumatizing things, but Ren doesn't have the context for that; Red regularly hiked the Mt. Silver here, anyway.]

It's stupid to think about. I've never even considered bothering.

... I think you should.

(The smile that Ren gives is a very endeared one, because look at Blue being cute over the scenario he'd proposed.)

You said it yourself, you don't know what he knows. Don't you want to find out?

No.

[Blue answers easily, immediately, through something of a grimace. No, he doesn't want to know for sure that there's no chance, that Red has never looked at him that way even once. That the dream he clung onto since they were both little kids, through the anger and the loneliness and even the possibility of never seeing Red again was-- unachievable.]

[He takes a long, tired drain from his beer. Ugh. He needed to be drunk, at this point.]

Anymore questions?

Several.

(For most of the time, Satanael is quiet as Ren. He doesn't barge much, and while Ren feels his presence within his soul constantly, it's rare that he provides commentary.

This definitely poked at Ren's rebellion a little, a voice stirring things in his head. If it were him, even with the odds being low, he'd want to know. What kind of relationship can stay in the what-ifs forever? Would Blue really be content to just repress and continue on like none of what he's saying mattered?)

Where does the rivalry come in this situation?

[Blue's expression flattens again. Dammit, Ren, you're really pressing his nerves on this one, huh...........]

[Content was not exactly the word. But it was the preferable evil to hurt. Irreparable hurt, the kind that ached forever. There was no knowing when or if you would find anything to soothe that pain...]

...That's kind of a broad question, [Blue bites out through a grimace, knuckles hard as he taps over his drink. At least he's starting to get a little tipsier.] It's sort of everywhere..... Wouldn't you get that...? How do you even separate it...?

I didn't have a lifetime to build it. (No, really. Literally, their first conversation was discussing on television about the Phantom Thieves, which he secretly belonged and led.) We had contrasting views from the very start.

(He gulps some more of the beer. Are there more words coming out of Ren's mouth? Yes, there are indeed! Chatty buzz.)

You, on the other hand. It's a lot of time you've had to explore it. (Ren points his index finger with the hand holding the beer.) Are you afraid telling him would change your dynamics?

(It would make sense if Blue was, at least. A lifetime of rivalry and building it and revolving a friendship around it... Change can be a powerful fear.)

Edited 2020-09-11 13:15 (UTC)

[...Fair. Blue has to admit; he doesn't really know how people find their ...other half, when it's not someone that it's always been natural to let in. He can't imagine it- allowing someone slowly but surely within your guard, especially when you seem to have very differing points of view, like Ren says.]

[To Blue, that would just feel something like dislike. That's what he imagines, anyway- it's gotta be something more than that, right? But he's not too interested in pushing it further than that- Ren seems ...reluctant to do so, which Blue sees as something of a warning.]

[Blue is the type who would much rather remain blissfully ignorant.]

....It's not exactly just that, [He finally admits, but much like Ren's own unspoken warnings, Blue has plenty of buried things of his own that he'd rather not get into. He wasn't who most people here thought he was. His past buried a lot of worse things.] Because he already knows who I am. I haven't always been......

[He hesitates, and looks away again. His expression had become steadily more real as this conversation had gone on, losing the playful, goofy mask he usually put on and letting more of the sharper, more serious part of him bleed through. But there was more under there, too. Much more.]

Red's seen all of me.

(Oh? That catches his attention more than anything else. If there's something Ren understands is the concept of a mask, hiding one's true self from others for whatever reason that may be. It's only Ren's eyes that move to observe the other when "I haven't always been" hits his ears and there's a little discomfort that tugs at his heart.

Ah, Blue. He gets it.)

Blue. (His tone is stern and sure, almost like he's about to scold.)

Nobody here has always been like we are. Chances are we know close to nothing about each other. (Especially him and Akechi, but alas.)

Isn't a good thing that the person you like most knows all of you? I'd rather to be known and accepted than to be liked incompletely.

Tch, I know that,

[Blue defensively grumbles, brows knitting together as he tries to worm his way back out of this.] Most people ...don't really know much about each other, don't you think?

[He drinks quietly, and thinks on that... but his conclusion is still the same, he's sure. The problem isn't one of being liked incompletely, but at all....]

It's because he knows all of me that there's no way he feels the same.

(No, they don't. Most people keep their distortions, their flaws hidden. Ren, on the other hand, keeps his strengths... Go figure. He sighs, taking another sip before he hears the words, an eyebrow quirking.)

You can't be sure of that. You'd be surprised at what people really feel once you look closely enough.

(Too drunk to notice the parallel, but not drunk enough to not remember how people definitely see others in such different ways than expected. Not that he thinks Red has any distortions of that kind, but alas. Ren's been inside too many people's heads at this point to know things aren't always as one would think.)

Edited 2020-09-13 19:31 (UTC)

I think you're presuming way too much.

[Blue bitterly mutters, pushing his empty can away. It wasn't his feelings that were on the line, so it wasn't his place to say what risks Blue should be willing to take or not! Huff. Grumble.]

[Uneasily, Blue rocks slightly on his seat, and casts Ren a glance.]

Look, you. Things are a lot more complicated than you know.... And not even cuz of stuff just between us.

Even if... [He pauses, settles into a doubtful expression, and furrows his brows.] Even if Red felt the same way, that wouldn't guarantee that it would even.... work out. [He stares down morosely at his feet, before settling them on the ground, pushing himself up with some effort.]

It's enough that he's forgiven me as his friend. I can't ask even more of him.

[He was lucky that Red had even wanted anything to do with him again in the first place. 'Take what you can get, and be grateful that anyone even tolerates your useless existence'. That's what he'd come to expect.]

[He shakily steps aside from his seat, pushing the stool (politely!) back under the counter.] Mind your business, alright.

(How intriguing, because Ren is sure Blue himself is presuming too much. Due to secrecy, Ren can't argue towards his point aside from the good ol' trust me, but even that would feel cheap - what reason does Blue even have to listen to him in the first place? He hasn't earned that yet.

Grey eyes are fixed on Blue, studying Blue's exhausted body language, the sorrow that relentlessly dimed his usual beaming expressions. Ren stands his ground on his opinion, unwavering intensity still present in his eyes as he listens to what Blue has to say. He did have a point - things going exactly as wished are rare-- what?

Forgiven?

What have you done, Blue?)

Mhm. (Sorry, Blue. If there's one thing that Ren is incapable of doing is what you're asking of him. He has no words to give back, to retort, more than happy to return to his quiet pondering when he too drinks the last of his beer, trashing it politely. Standing up was less smooth than he liked, his hand gripped on the counter until the world stopped spinning.

He's fine and doesn't need help, thank you.)

(open) where have you been? been searching all along 𝅘𝅥𝅮

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