tabularasa_rp | (closed) rivers in the deseeeeeeeeeert

I-

[He cuts himself off, because Ren is right. If their positions were reversed, he'd be laying out the exact same arguments, just with more vitriol. So maybe that's what finally sparks his laughter, an uncontrollable surge rising in his throat.]

Defeated it together? [he echoes, the note of his voice just barely starting to edge toward the hysterical.] Oh, yes, because that worked so well when we did fight it together. Or did you forget that it apparently took my death to destroy it?

(Of course Ren didn't forget - he witnessed it, stayed with it, cried about it, so perhaps that's exactly why his face becomes even more sombre.)

There was no way of you knowing.

(And besides, when Akechi arrived, Ren had been protected by Satanael himself. A minuscule blow would have killed the black-haired boy.)

What do you want, an apology?

[He pushes himself off the bed; if Ren's standing, he's not going to very well stay sitting, keeping the bed between the two of them as he glares openly at the other boy. He knows that's not what Ren wants; Ren wants reasons, Ren wants to pick into the innermost recesses of his brain and try to help, as impossible as it is.]

I thought I could handle it myself. Shall I prostrate myself before you and beg for forgiveness?

No. (Apologies are not fixing anything. Ren sees no reason to ask for one if everything would remain the same - with Akechi hiding what he feels and Ren being kept in the dark.

That's not how a relationship should work, is it? Even when Ren still struggles to let Akechi into his brain, with communicating how he feels, there has to be a way for them to be better. Perhaps Ren himself should take the first step, show Akechi he is willing to try and give up the hold he has, the need for control, when the situation calls for it.

Inhaling, exhaling, trying to keep the upsetness at bay so that he can actually produce coherent sounds, he speaks:)

You're not the only one who's afraid. (And it's a moment before he can speak again.)

I knew it wasn't my nightmare because I don't believe a thing it said, but my nightmare happened either way.

Edited 2020-11-08 14:38 (UTC)

I'm not-!

[He bites his tongue, because he can see that Ren is trying. Ren is trying, and he'd promised he would try, too. His eyes narrow into slits as he gnaws at the inside of his lower lip again, stopping only once he tastes the iron tang of blood.]

Fine, [he concedes shortly, forcibly unclenching his fists at his sides and taking a breath, swallowing back frightened saliva and blood.] You can say you don't believe it, but it doesn't make it any less true. [An expansive gesture to indicate the room, the Void, everything around them as he's done before.] Isn't this just another example of it, Ren?

(They're both trying, and Ren knows it. Since they've last talked, there hasn't been a moment when he couldn't feel like Akechi wasn't trying, and that's exactly the point that invalidates the entire argument Akechi is trying to bring forth.)

You're wrong. (Ren shows his hands in an unspoken display that he means no harm when he circles the bed to reach the other, the same hands gently cupping the warm cheeks as his gaze falls into the other's own.) You make me happy, you idiot. I see the work you put into this.

(Akechi has stated before he may never understand Ren, but that he'd put in effort to try and he can't do that if Ren doesn't provide him with his point of view. With his hands now dropping to his side, Ren continues:)

It's impossible to be with someone without hurting them at some point. (Regardless of the status of their relationship - Ryuji upset Mona. Ren hurt Ann and he'd most definitely have hurt all of them with how he planned to turn himself in without notice.) If you think that's the only thing you're capable of, you haven't been paying attention.

Ren...

[His brows furrow, knit together, even as he closes his eyes and lets the other boy cup his face. His hands are so much different from Akechi's own, rough and calloused and warm unlike his own hands, soft and cold. His chest aches like all of his emotions are banging together in there, trying to break open his ribs as if from a prison.

Ren lowers his hands, and Akechi feels bereft without them, teeth gritting and threatening to gnaw at his lower lip again. Instead, he forces himself to open his mouth -- open, then close it, desperately trying to think of what he wants to say and how to do it in such a way that Ren won't leave. It seems impossible to have both understanding and someone to stay with him. Perhaps that's it.]

It isn't just that, [he says finally, voice barely above a ragged whisper.] I'm not stupid. I'm not a child. I can hear what you're saying. And yet my entire life, I've...

[He's just wanted someone around. No matter what he did, no one ever stayed with him. Not for long. His hands clench and unclench at his sides as he stares away, unable to meet Ren's eyes. Logically, he knows Ren truly does believe what he's saying. But it's so hard to reconcile with everything he's experienced his entire life.]

Fears don't go away simply because we wish them to. The more illogical the fear, the harder it is to shake loose.

I don't think they're illogical.

(He knows enough about Akechi to know they're not unbased on some sort of reality, perceived or otherwise. It pains him, but he still can hear the reminiscent memories - yells and shrieks of a deranged mind, screaming how he has carefully molded everything in his life so that someone would want him around. Akechi doesn't even need to finish his sentence when Ren already knows exactly what his trauma is bubbling underneath the surface.

Ren, on the other hand, doesn't want Akechi to ever do that around him, for him. He likes--, no. That's not it, is it?)

Goro. (And he takes the unclenched hands into his again, both as a small romantic gesture and as a way to keep Akechi from doing it again, because really, Ren knows Akechi will immediately tense up as soon as he continues and he doesn't want the other to almost break his own fingers putting pressure on his palm.) I love you.

(And if Akechi bears to look, Ren looks exactly as he'd expect. Sure of his words, not a single question in his mind to steer him into uncertainty. No, just Ren's gray eyes, honest and open. Akechi might as well want to throw him out of the window for it.)

I know that fact doesn't change all the shit you've been through. (Curse word, because really, there's no other.) And I don't expect you to believe me on my word alone and I don't expect you to deal with it overnight.

I just want to be a real part of this. If you still want me, I'm not going anywhere.

(He just wants to be with Akechi while he fights off what holds him back and be an active participant of their relationship, but he needs Akechi to allow it.)

Edited 2020-11-11 02:20 (UTC)

[As predicted, his muscles tense when Ren takes his hands, his fingers seizing up as if broken. He chances a glance at Ren and his heart aches once again like it's simply too full of emotion, winding up through his lungs and choking him.

Ren says he loves him, and Akechi almost laughs in his face. No, he doesn't, he wants to point out. He's confused love with lust, he's confused loyalty with romance, he's confused. He's just confused.

Which makes the open honesty in his eyes even harder to fathom. Even if he thinks he loves someone like Akechi, he'll be proven wrong. He'll hurt him, betray him, lash out and act out until even Ren can't forgive him anymore. He's not the kind of person who's loved except from a distance as something he's crafted himself to be.

But Ren's confronted the worst parts of him, over and over, and he's still reaching out. Still wants to be with him. Still says he loves him.

Akechi yanks his hands back in a sudden motion, swallowing hard against those same emotions that are trying to well up and choke him. He should say something. Ren will see his silence as rejection. He needs to fix this.

Instead, barely able to breathe past the choking vines climbing up his throat, he simply leans in. Slowly, as if expecting to be rejected himself, he rests his forehead against Ren's shoulder. He's so scared of being thrown away, but he's so tired of being constantly afraid.

He closes his eyes and reaches up with both hands, gripping Ren's back with the fierceness of a drowning man, a wordless attempt at acceptance while begging to be accepted in return.

Akechi hugs Ren and almost starts to sob.]

(Ren never thinks he is or isn't something, much less says it if he's not sure. If felt like a lump dissolving in his throat, confessing that is. Akechi once more died before him and Ren felt like he had wasted every chance he has had to tell him, when he first came to terms with it.

He's not making that mistake again.

Akechi fell silent, but that was expected. He has never been outstandingly good at dealing with emotions, his or otherwise, and Ren's patient as he watches what can very much be Akechi's brain melting from working overtime. There's no thoughts that the silence itself is a rejection, but it would be a lie to deny he isn't feeling that it could come.

At this point, what if Akechi doesn't want him anymore? What if he makes the other too uncomfortable at the end of the day, what if he's been too imposing? What if having their hearts ripped off their very chests and opened for the other to peek through all the Void has put them through becomes just what overwhelms him to the point of letting go? Whether in an attempt of protecting Ren or merely due to the nature of their situation. It's not the silence, you see.

But then, much like a terrified animal, Akechi approaches and Ren doesn't think twice before wrapping his arms around him. The hold Akechi has on him is tight, and before Ren even notices it, his own matches in strength and intent, and he presses a kiss to Akechi's temple.

He's never leaving Akechi alone again.)

[Ren's lack of hesitation to hug him back dissolves the last of Akechi's wariness, at least for the time being. He squeezes his eyes tightly shut and keeps gripping the back of Ren's shirt, shaking slightly with the force of his emotions. He spends so long holding himself back, only letting himself be free in combat, that he almost doesn't know how to express himself like this.

He's taller than Ren is, but right now, he feels so small. Like he could break to pieces under the force of his own shaking. He grits his teeth against a fresh onslaught of emotion, a part of him wondering with a vague detachment if this is what a normal mental breakdown feels like, one that's not forced by Loki's power. There's so much he keeps to himself, that he keeps from Ren, for one reason or another. To make himself seem stronger, to shore up the other's resolve, for this reason or that reason. There's always an excuse to hide behind.]

Should I apologize? [he whispers finally, when he trusts himself not to start sobbing. He doesn't want to cry in front of Ren; he doesn't even know if he can. Everything just feels so fragile.]

(Ren doesn't weaken his grip, nor does he move much. Instead, he presses another kiss to wherever he can reach, understanding and patient, even when his own heart feels like it's beating a thousand times per second against the other. He doesn't mind if Akechi can feel it thumping, it's his to begin with.

Ren's his. He's never been anyone else's, and even when this simple fact has it's own set of complications and anxieties, Ren doesn't flinch in the face of those. While Akechi feels small over the realization he's loved, he's wanted and cherished the way he is, Ren feels a rush of a mix of emotion, ranging from bliss to the intensity and underlying sorrow squeezing his heart in ways he's not sure how to describe.

They're on a path, it seems. One to a much stronger bond and a deeper understanding, one that Ren yearns for and wasn't sure he could have. So, when Akechi's low voice makes itself heard, Ren shakes his head.)

No. (He has heard Ren, and he understands now. They can put this behind them and deal with what's to come.) Thank you for hearing me.

[He keeps his eyes closed, even as his death-grip on Ren's back slowly relaxes into something more like a proper hug. Ren's not pulling away. Ren doesn't want him to leave. Akechi's still not completely certain if he wants to stay, but Ren had asked him to. Ren deserves that much, at least.

Ah, but there is something he needs to make indisputably clear. His voice is low and soft, just enough to reach Ren's ears without going much further.]

I would do it again, [he says, exhaling against Ren's shoulder as he finally puts something into words that he's been thinking for a long, long time.] You understand this, correct? I will always come back to you if it's within my power to do so, but I will not shy away from the possibility of death if it means you would survive.

(Akechi doesn't say he loves Ren back, but he doesn't need to. Ren knows he feels the same, from the quiet, soft kisses that sometimes Akechi allows to the way Akechi makes amends, tries to be better whenever he sees an opportunity to do so. Ren feels it.

The hug softens on Ren's end, but not because of the words and what they mean, but merely because Ren's hand finds its way to the other's hair in a caress, while the arm around the other maintains its hold, trying to keep Akechi safe against him.

Ren knows that too. It's the second time, after all, and it's not like Ren wouldn't do the same if the situation called for it.)

I'm aware. (There's a beat where Ren just breathes, his turn to hide against Akechi's neck, delivering his gentlest kiss onto the skin since Akechi's forehead was out of reach.) I don't want you to have to do that again.

(And that responsibility falls on Ren. Be more responsible, less reckless. Think with his head rather than his gut.)

I don't want to lose you. (Again... And again. And again, if they go home. Surely their deal still stands, he will face Maruki with all his might when the time comes, but fuck, he will loathe facing the consequences.)

[He huffs through his nose and turns his head to rest more comfortably against Ren's shoulder, his eyes open but not really seeing as he stares across the room.]

And I do not want to be lost. [His voice is soft and just a little sad, buried beneath the dryness. "Lost," hm? It's a good way to describe how he felt drifting in that endless white void. If that's what's waiting for him after death...

He shudders involuntarily and grits his teeth for a moment, forcing himself to recenter, using Ren's warmth and the steady sound of his beating heart to bring himself back.]

And yet, you have a future to return to, Ren. [A future that he doesn't share. He can't quite keep the pained bitterness out of his voice this time, even as he tries.] I will make that same choice as often as I am able to.

(Does he? Akechi won't exist anymore when they return and face their fate and as for Ren, he will go to prison, for God knows how long considering he is the leader of the Phantom Thieves with a prior. He has been asked what he wanted to do with his life and the answer never comes, he had already braced himself for whatever kind of future he could have with his record on his back.

Akechi, on the other hand, doesn't seem to be dissuaded from his self-sacrificing when it comes to Ren. He only stepped back a little, taking a hand to his chin to lift his head gently, slowly not to scare the older man and caress his cheek with the one that left his waist.)

I won't let it come close to that ever again.

(He won't let death knock on their door, come close to either or any.

If Akechi looks, Ren's eyes send a message, a very clear plead for the other to not leave again.)

[Akechi lets Ren lift his head, breath catching gently at the touch to his chin as he straightens. He tilts his head into Ren's hand with the same caution that a feral cat might, ready to pull away.

But he doesn't. He meets Ren's eyes, the corner of his lip twitching into a hint of a sad smile. Neither of them can control that. Facing Akechi's cognitive self was only proof that things remained, as ever, entirely out of their control. But he doesn't say it. They both must be thinking it.

He reaches up and mirrors Ren's hand on his cheek, a leather-clad thumb brushing over his cheekbone. A beat, then he leans in, closing the distance between them with a kiss that isn't hungry, isn't wild and feral, but hesitant and heartfelt, as if somehow that gesture alone might convey what he can't do in words. He can't promise to always be there with Ren. But they can enjoy the time they have together.]

(It's in moments like these that Rens know Akechi feels the same, when Akechi doesn't pull back from intimacy. It allows Ren to tuck his hair behind his ear as his thumb caresses the soft skin, the hand on the chin dropping back to their rightful place on Akechi's back.

There are things that are out of their control. Ren doesn't dispute this, but if there's one thing he is sure of is that he will fight to be with him, regardless of what the Void or even Maruki throw his way. He will never stop fighting for them.

A kiss comes with a cold caress and Ren closes his eyes to return the touch with one of his own, patient and emotional as if he was channeling all the love he feels into the action. When they pull apart, he remains close with his forehead resting on the other's, a sigh before he can repeat what he had already said. This time, however, he intertwines his fingers with Akechi's to lead them to his chest, where his heart strums, loud as a parade.)

I love you.

[Another huff through his nose. He can't be truly surprised that Ren can say such things so easily, repeat them as if they mean nothing at all. Even when he knows that the other boy means every word he says, it's still so difficult to believe.

But he can feel more than hear the beating of Ren's heart, steady and sure and strong as always.]

You're a fool, [he murmurs, with the same gentle ease that Ren said I love you. As if it isn't intended as an insult at all.] And yet for some reason, I believe you.

[His free hand comes up to press gloved fingers against Ren's lips to keep him from saying anything else about that. His heart feels too raw already.]

Now. Shall we get to business? [He gently taps his fingers against Ren's lips, once, twice, then finally pulls them back as he himself steps back.] Has this world changed at all since we've all awoken?

(It only makes Ren smile. It's not the first time Akechi replies to Ren's feelings like that, and even then, it just endears him more. It never reaches his ears like an insult anyway.

Ren kisses the leather-covered finger before it leaves his lips, along with the rest of this wonderful man as he goes beyond Ren's reach and yet, the boy's smile doesn't fade one bit. Instead, he complies with moving on, returning to the kitchen to get a bowl of curry for himself. Is he surprised that Akechi is already up and eager to know what he missed? Not really.)

There was a fight while you were asleep.

(That was the only remaining information that he hasn't yet provided. Ren finds his way to a chair, an ankle resting on his knee while he takes a spoonful.)

Edited (oops html) 2020-11-16 23:33 (UTC)

A fight?

[Instead of sitting back down, Akechi remains standing, the hand that had been at Ren's lips going to his own in interested contemplation. It doesn't sound like anyone had been hurt from the casual way Ren mentioned it. He frowns and rotates his shoulder that had been injured before their stint in not!Mementos as if remembering the last fight he'd been in here.]

I take it you weren't involved.

Not directly.

(He only shrugs to his own words - he was there, not fighting, only trying to make sense of the scene before him when Yoshizawa came to retrieve him.)

Someone did the Lord's work and kicked Kaiba in the balls.

[Akechi snorts, then laughs, an ugly sound of pure schadenfreude.]

I doubt he'll take it as a humbling experience. Still...

[It isn't like Akechi cares about Kaiba one way or another. But it does bring to mind another specific incident, and his shoulder aches with a phantom sympathy.]

I am concerned about potential strife amongst the people here. We have yet to institute a system of laws or punishment. As people start to grow restless, we may see more of that. And how, exactly, will you counter?

Probably not. Ann tackled the guy, though.

(And here is where he keeps his eyes on Akechi, like he's expecting some grand comment on their behavior or probably a sneaky remark.)

Without institutionalizing something, it's just based on personal morality. (Honestly, when he decided to reform society, he never expected he'd have to write a constitution one day, and yet, here they are. Short of needing a constitution.) I need to learn about what happened properly still.

(closed) rivers in the deseeeeeeeeeert

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p5royal spoilers

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