open: worship me

[forceofnature]

[ley line]

Behold! Assorted sentient apes of the Void!

I come bearing good tidings for all. I, the Great Goddess Viridi, Beloved Nurturer of All Life, She Whose Gentle Majesty is Incomparable and Whose Praises Shall be Sung on the Tongues of Songbirds for Time Immemorial, have deigned to create for you mortals a physical space in which you might offer me worship and adoration. Our -- my shrine is finally finished to perfection!

In return, I shall solve all your problems with my wisdom accumulated from across the ages. For a small nominal fee of ten to fifty seeds, sprouts, or cuttings of any fruit, flower, vine, bush, or flora of your choice, you, too, can benefit from my divine genius.

Love problems? Love yourself first! Lack of motivation? Hit the gym! Despairing at ever returning home from this featureless depressing waste of a world? Join the club and go pour down some single malt whiskeys.

For a testimonial as to the efficacy of my brilliant wisdom, please refer yourselves to:

-That one guy crying on the mountain
-Captain Capitalism, a.k.a. Kaiba boy
-Or Parsee

Oh speaking of -- go worship Parsee, too. This was technically her shrine first before it merged with the other stuff. I'm a fair goddess. Hey Parsee mind if I invite a bunch of people over to our shrine not hearing a no thanks Parsee!

((respond directly to this - or action threads in comments))

Comments

[pragmatism]

I see. Most curious.

[ Not the first time he's encountered this kind of god, but the way she holds herself would make it difficult to gather new worshippers. Hm. ]

[forceofnature]

...Yeah, that's kind of a conversation killer right there, so I'm going to assume you're out of questions and I'm gonna go ahead and segue into hawking my Goddess Goods (TM), 100% all-natural divine deliverables distributed from the hands of the transcendental straight to you!

Are you more interested in my Baby Smooth lotion line or my Kitschy Critters wallpaper?

[pragmatism]

I have no need for such things, though I do wonder how you procure or make them.

[forceofnature]

Oh, you're buying for the future when I have my powers back. It's an investment. Like a time share. Or a Rolex.

[pragmatism]

[ And here he had been considering the possibility that someone has made a breakthrough... ]

When will that be?

[forceofnature]

Tomorrow.

[...]

Probably. If not, the day after that.

[pragmatism]

Shall I check in with you tomorrow, then?

[ Can she fulfil this promise? Let's see. ]

[forceofnature]

Sure. I'm 100% guaranteed to be right one day in the future.

[this is a roundabout way of saying 'ask stupid questions get stupid answers']

[pragmatism]

Lies will grant you no favour with the world.

[ She's talking to the God of Contracts, after all. ]

[forceofnature]

If you ask a ridiculous question, don't be annoyed when you get a ridiculous answer.

[less roundabout]

Unless you're asking for an official fortune reading. But you have to pay for that.

[pragmatism]

The world has no use for false gods.

[ That will be his conclusion, given how she's lying. ]

I advise you to be honest with your offerings, lest a broken contract be your ruination.

[forceofnature]

Yeah, I have no use for people who are so boring that they can't maintain a conversation that I have to start talking about my imaginary products, but look at me, giving new things a whirl.

I advise you to go away and bother someone else. You're exhaustingly annoying.

[wouldntglidingbefaster]

Oh, hey! If it isn't two familiar voices! What a fun coincidence, all of us being here at the same time!

[he may have overheard some of their conversation. more importantly, he knows zhongli, and... okay, he doesn't know viridi that well, but he also doesn't wish the wrath of the rock upon her, so here he is, sticking his neck out.]

Zhongli, this is Viridi! She's, ah, how do I put this? Free-spirited? Yeah, let's go with that. Very free-spirited! And as an expert in free-spiritedness, I... think she's alright!

... besides, asking for worship and adoration is basically just fishing for compliments, and technically speaking there aren't any contracts to break, so don't you think you're getting a bit too worked up?

[pragmatism]

The purpose of a contract is to ensure fairness of an exchange. She is offering nothing but empty words in exchange for physical goods. If one does not have a firm grasp on reality, then the contract is as good as null.

[ After all, the duties of gods are to guide humanity. Viridi comes off as not only haughty, but also lazy. At least Venti only offers his help after he's sure he can do something about it. ]

She cannot solve all problems, so that is a false claim she is purporting. I know for one she cannot solve mine.

[wouldntglidingbefaster]

Isn't that a bit unfair when you haven't shared what problem you want her to solve? You wouldn't make a contract where one side doesn't know what they're agreeing to! And are those empty words not what was offered up front? A dubiously-even exchange, perhaps, but you cannot say she was dishonest about when and how her end of the bargain would be fulfilled. It may be unwise to invest in something which is not a guarantee, but you cannot call it a lie when the outcome remains a mystery.

I don't see any harm being done, so it wouldn't hurt to lighten up just a little bit. You don't have to be so serious all the time!

[pragmatism]

[ This is not the first time they're having this conversation, and it's not likely to be the last. There's a long silence, and then: ]

As you wish.

[ A grudging concession? Maybe. Regardless, he's not really in the mood to keep debating right now. ]

[forceofnature]

Ooh, look at us. Three way telepathic banter. Nostalgic.

Who's your friend, Venti? The god of cramming a stick up his butt? I don't know what his problem is, but he's got the personality of dry wheat toast.

[she's actually moderately impressed he's going to mediate for someone he's spoken to once in his life, so her tone has soothed somewhat.]

[wouldntglidingbefaster]

He's not so bad once you get to know him! But he can be a bit of a blockhead sometimes... [don't kill him for that comment zhongli he means it in an endearing way rly]

Oh, but it would be easier to discuss this in person! I'm afraid I haven't a plant to offer, but perhaps a story might suffice for now?

[pragmatism]

[ CONSIDERING THAT YOU FORGED HIS HANDWRITING AGAIN....

it's probably a wonder why zhongli lets venti get away with this much tbh. maybe its just cause they're friends. ]

[forceofnature]

[so he's friends with an actual forger but he gets bent out of shape about banter
she sees how this is]

[pragmatism]

[ :)

you can come back to talk to him once you've gone through crippling thousand-year depression. till then, you're not worth an archon's time. ]

[forceofnature]

[uhhhhhhhhhhhhh

so about that]

[forceofnature]

Unacceptable! My judgment shall come swift and fierce!

[...]

OK, fine. It's pretty empty right now. Parsee's been AWOL for a few days so it's just me keeping the whole place clean. You can help me dust.

[the observant may notice that venti is not profiting off this deal.]