tabularasa_rp | open | everybody knows that the captain lied

[oh, he already knows she was fucking around on him with Merlin -- they fought about it pretty explosively, not too long before she'd disappeared. she hadn't understood that monogamy was important to him. he'd made her understand. all that in mind, he might have used something stronger than the word 'lover', but he's always hated the girlfriend-boyfriend dichotomy. what are they, in high school?]

[either way, though, he flashes her a humorless smile]

You certainly have a gift for understatement.

[yes, he misses her. yes, it sucks. moving on]

Damien Brenks, by the way.

[Man, she would kind of have been with him in that argument. She didn't dislike either of them, but Parsee wasn't exactly a lover of cheating, considering it's what had made her what she was. It's why she struggled about her feelings or Rinoa. The girl's heart was at least in part her boyfriend's, back in her own world. Parsee didn't share well at all. But that was a struggle for another moment. She snorted, wincing and gripping her chest.]

Ngh... I'm trying to tone down the rhetoric lately. I'm kind of known for overkill. Spirit of Envy and all... Well, spirit born of envy anyway. Not quite sure what's going on with me these days.

[This place had been doing weird things. She was still pinning it down.]

I... kind of miss her too. She was unusual.

[Spirit of Envy? interesting. that shows on his face, too, however briefly and even if he doesn't address it. when that interest sinks back into his exhaustion -- and his hurt, unrelated to this sickness -- he hums. he almost ends up regretting the sound, swallowing down another coughing fit, before he finally answers]

She was. [a beat] I suppose I shouldn't be surprised, though. We're meant to lose the people we love ... or whatever that bullshit quote actually is. [between here and home, he's lost a lot. most of it has been his own fault, but it's made him bitter, ruined the surprise. it fucking figures that Melinoë would have disappeared. it fucking figures that happiness isn't in the cards for him]

[She took her glass of whatever she'd ordered, which she really hadn't been paying attention to at the time, and raised it in a toast.]

I'll drink to that. Love is always a painful thing, but we still try.

[...fuck, that second half was uncharacteristic of her. She was losing her edge. FUCK, was she seriously thinking of asking that girl out? Maybe... no, no, hell no. She knew better. It wouldn't end well. She grunted and sipped. The burn of alcohol made her wince but eased discomfort.]

I wonder sometimes why they try, but I know better. If you didn't want it so much... if you didn't care, you wouldn't hurt. It's what made me so damned jealous all those years ago.

[weakly, Damien raises his own mug, before taking a sip. when he lowers his cup again, he offers her a crooked smile] First it was 'we', now it's 'you'. Which is it?

[are you in love, Parsee? is that your elephant in the room?]

[She snorted over her drink and gave him a rueful sip of her drink.] We as in humans. I used to be one. Long, long time ago. If you're from Earth, the Shogun wasn't a thing when I was born.

And I used to be in love once. [Sip, fight urge to cough.] It didn't go so well for that cheating bastard... If I were stupid enough to fall for some girl in this place, I'd be really stupid wouldn't I?

[...she totally wasn't paying attention to the fact that she'd just included Rinoa's gender.]

[he notes that, and leans forward a little, pouncing on that]

Stupid enough to practically admit to it. [a beat] No offense, of course. [well, a little offense, but it's not his fault he's the smartest guy in the room] What's her name?

[this is much better than talking about his own issues!]

Of course...

[She made a face into her drink. Ok, she could secretly admit it to herself. It was on her mind nearly constantly, partially because of the Hanahaki. Every time she coughed up a red petal it made her think about the fact that she hadn't decided if she wanted that girl, and the feelings got worse. Every time it was yellow, she remembered Squall's stupid face and she wanted to take his place. When they were together it just made things worse.

Frown. Grunt. Fiiiiiine.]

Not admitting to anything, because it wouldn't do me a lick of good to admit to it unless it was to her. but if I were that stupid, it definitely wouldn't be over a dark-haired girl with a thing for crossbows and a dog that's always following her around. I absolutely would not be trying to figure out what I want with someone that stubborn about wanting to be close to me even though I told her how I might feel and how jealous I got normally.

I've seen her around, but I don't think we've met.

[to the point where he's not even sure he would have known her name, if Parsee had mentioned it, but] But if you've already told her how you feel ... [then why's she still apparently so upset about all of this?] Did she turn you down?

... she's sort of hard to miss, yeah. And no, she didn't. She... knows I might be interested. [Cough] She knows I was thinking about it, trying to figure out my feelings. And she told me she'd think about if I asked. She definitely didn't say no, but she also definitely didn't say yes.

Ngh... but this stupid disease is forcing my hand a bit. [Hack] It doesn't do me any good to tell yo this. I told, like, four people besides her. My possible interest is not a secret, which means if I have something to confess...

I have to decide, and I think I know what that is, and I have to tell her. Because of course I do.

[now, hold on a second]

You mentioned there being an elephant in the room. [and that being related to whatever's wrong with them] And now this. [that whether or not she tells Rinoa how she feels is related to it, too, so] So -- what? The Void wants us to spill our little secrets?

[or share their feelings. he's not sure which would be worse]

[She thumped her chest after a cough and winced. Never... do that... again. A grow and she clenched her eyes shut.] Feels like Hananaki. Stupid magical disease back home. People in love. Had to confess and get closure, but most refused n just died.

Might not be exactly the same. You know how it is around here. Nothing works right, even diseases. Probably have to figure out what you're not dealing with and have to deal with.

Considering love doesn't factor into this, for me? [his love left him. he's pretty sure he was in love with Melinoë, anyway] More than likely.

[a beat]

Hell if I know what I'm not dealing with, though.

[that's a lie. he can think of more than a few things. there's his grief, still. the fact that he's been meaning to tell Tifa the truth for months, now. his familial feelings for Akechi, that they've never actively addressed for both their sakes. how much it hurts, for everyone to have moved out of the Merlaut all of a sudden. ~~the fact that literally all of his close CR is going to drop in the next month.~~ there's a laughable number of things he's not dealing with, he just -- doesn't want to deal with them]

Ngh... so, if you're the type for introspection, you don't have to tell me. But if you can think of anything you've been holding onto all this time? Something you haven't given up on? Haven't dealt with. that's probably it.

[She coughed into her hand.]

N... if it deals with people here, well... you probably won't actually deal with it by talking to me. I guess I arguably qualify as a decent listener... but I'm not them, am I? Just... like you're not her.

[he hums -- no, she's not them. mostly. at a loss for anything else, anything more personal, he shrugs, offers:] Part of it is probably feeling like I've been abandoned. [a beat, then by way of explanation:] The Merlaut is from my world. [and just about everyone's moved out of it]

[ ... is this helping? no, he still feels like that elephant in the room is sitting on his chest]

Well, good to know where that came from anyway. I'd been a little curious. But I'm pretty sure you're dancing around the topic here.

[She coughed into her hand and laughed with a pained wince.]

Like I have room to talk, avoiding talking to some girl because I'd rather hurt like hell than be told No.

[he shrugs] The hotel, the train -- both mine. [he makes no secret of that. just everything else] Though, I'm not sure how I could be more blunt about my feelings.

[isn't saying he feels abandoned enough???]

... If it doesn't get better talking to me, there may be someone here you need to talk to.. And I suspect you'd know deep down who it is. And ... much as I'd be the sort of gossipy bitch to press? Not gonna.

[She coughed once into her hand.]

You're not really pressing me, and I don't want to push too far with you. You have to figure this sort of thing out for yourself. It's inside yourself after all.

open | everybody knows that the captain lied

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