tabularasa_rp | [open] because i can only be me

As per usual.

(At least it makes Ren chuckle a little, just a tad before the command reaches his ears.

It sucks, because unless Ren has a reason, he will respect it and can't even lie about it just to tease Akechi. It's his privacy after all.

He's not making promises, though. The plate that comes his way is immediately taken to the kitchen before he comes back.)

Akechi.

(Is it time?)

Somehow, he can't help but feel a vague press of that tension returning as Ren comes back, though as usual, Akechi's face is a careful study in neutrality.

He sets the cup back down in its saucer to meet his eyes, searching his face for what stupidity he's about to say this time.]

What?

You're terrible at this.

(It's honest, at least. If Akechi thinks Ren can't notice the glimpses, the tension or just how hard he stares at him sometimes, almost in trance before his scrambled brain pulls him back - he's deadly wrong.

Not like Ren is much better, but alas.)

I thought we made a deal.

Tch.

[Immediately his lip curls in distaste, even as he feels a familiar fear fluttering in his heart. Fuck him, and everything he stands for.]

I thought I already made my feelings quite clear. It's distasteful to keep begging.

(Who's begging? Ren did not go after him, so of course the words were received with a frown.)

No, you idiot. Something is not adding up.

(Aside from the whole UST, that is. Why is Akechi's first reaction to it a 'stick to the mission'? Why is he so particularly interested in this? Surely the reality back home was terrible and it makes sense that Akechi would like to challenge it, but if fighting in these sort of situations was from the goodness of his heart, where was him when Mementos melded with reality?)

Don't blame me for your poor math skills.

[He allows himself a final sip of coffee before pushing the cup away, signaling that he's had enough.]

Which part, exactly, are you struggling with?

How come you show up to take my place to juvie, but weren't fighting by my side? Where were you?

(Let's see the answer, calm. He must keep calm.)

[Oh. This? This, Akechi can answer. He'd been prepared for this question since the first time Ren questioned how he was alive,weeks ago. Perhaps even a month by now.]

Do you think I enjoyed being left out of revenge against the one person who wronged me most? [he hisses, eyes sharpening as he meets Ren's.] After I'd spent years planning it? It wasn't by choice that I wasn't there. Do you think I'm happy with the way things turned out?

[And that, at least, is painfully true. Whatever Ren's grudge against Shido, it's nothing compared to Akechi's. There really is a part of him that will never forgive him for stealing his revenge.]

But don't you remember what I said about slowing you down?

[His eyes don't waver as he keeps them on Ren's, holding him captive as best he can.]

Dragging along an injured, half-dead enemy out of a misguided sense of righteousness would have just gotten you and all of your friends killed. As much as I disagree with your methods, it's better than nothing, which is what would have happened to Shido if you'd taken me with you.

[There. It's not a complete lie, but nor does it directly answer Ren's accusation. Instead, it allows him to fill in the blanks with his own suppositions.]

(Akechi speaks and what he says is nothing new, nothing short from what he expected to hear when it comes to Shido.

Except. That's not what he meant.

It's that unmoving expression that Akechi sees, eyes as per usual focused on the other's until Ren spoke.)

I meant God. Where were you when we took down Yaldabaoth.

I thought we agreed on no personal questions.

[His jaw clenches, but it's not because he's caught. It's because he wants Ren to think he's been caught. This is one of the most important lies he's told in his entire life, after all.

His eyes slide away, as if he's having difficulty admitting it, because if it were true, it would sting his pride immeasurably. He doesn't even like the weakness this lie implies, but it's necessary.]

Christmas Eve, yes...? [he says finally.] I couldn't move. Most injuries heal upon leaving the Metaverse, and yet these lingered. Perhaps because they were so severe. Shido had one thing right about me, at least -- his puppet version of me was not to be trifled with.

I assume my rapid recovery was due to Maruki's powers. What kind of "ideal reality" would it be if you went to prison, after all? How "convenient" that I recovered and went to Shibuya in time to overhear your conversation with Sae-san.

[His lip curls, because again, all the best lies have an element of truth, and that is true. Poetic justice, to have Ren's once-dead rival take his place in prison, only to be released out of pity.]

(Ren starts to deflate, little by little.

Akechi's lies don't have a hole this time, and trust that he's listening very attentively, word-by-word analysis. The only thing that raises a suspicion was the injuries, but even then. Ren is exhausted when he leaves the Metaverse, and he hasn't had half the struggle Akechi is illustrating to him.

He falls into it, hand curled into an fist under the table - God, he cannot even put in words how much he hates Shido. For him, for the country, for Akechi... Almost makes him wish he had made his Shadow suffer some more.

He takes a second, looking at the table instead of Akechi, a mix of grief and anger coloring the gray eyes.)

Was that all? I didn't go to prison?

(What else could Maruki have possibly done for him?)

Edited 2020-08-24 09:16 (UTC)

[It's a deliciously fine tightrope he's walking here, but once he realizes Ren believes him... it's a rush of power like he hasn't felt in a long time. Finally, finally he has the upper hand, and it makes it hard to feel bad for the lying. The more lies you tell, the easier it gets, and the less it hurts to tell.

He exhales and shakes his head.]

I don't know, [he says, and again that's an honest answer, because he was in prison. He wouldn't know the full details of what Maruki had given Ren, other than him.] I can tell you that after they released me, I realized that somehow Maruki had erased our records completely. Not just deleted from records, but made it so that you and I had never committed any crimes. Erased it all from reality.

[Okumura, Wakaba Isshiki, and who knows how many others of Akechi's victims Maruki had brought back to life? All people Akechi would see dead once again if it meant freeing himself from that manipulative bastard's clutches.]

... Excuse me?

(Ren's eyes almost snap back open in surprise. It makes sense, ultimately, that Maruki could do it with all the power he had - bringing people back to life as an example.

He just never imagined being without a record at home. It feels... Dirty? Like the whole purpose of his living in Tokyo suddenly didn't matter. Like all the uphill battle he went through to prove himself didn't matter. He's infuriated. All of this because Ren helped him with his research, on top of all.

Shit.)

He thinks he can just wave a hand and make everything better, for everyone.

[The spite and derision in his voice is pure, honest venom. Akechi leans back in his chair, confident that finally Ren is starting to understand. It's difficult, without Ren having experienced all of this firsthand, but at least finally, finally, it feels like they're on the same page once more.]

But you and I know that's not really true, isn't it? He's willing to erase the sins of the past in pursuit of a future where everyone is happy, destroy things people have spent years working toward, all for some sick, misguided need to shepherd the people as a god.

Can you finally understand why I want nothing more than to tear his reality apart with my bare hands? No matter what the consequences, at least it will be my choice.

Edited 2020-08-24 09:32 (UTC)

(As it tends to be with most serious things, Ren is on the quiet side of the spectrum. Half processing, half listening. It still doesn't answer exactly why does Akechi push him away when he finally got close. Again, perfect track record of doing a million things and solving his Thieves issues. He has never let down in his actions, he isn't sure why Akechi thinks he'll waver now.

After an uncomfortable, long silence...)

... We'll take him.

(It's with an overpowering resolve.)

[His smirk widens, and he nods, adjusting one of his gloves.]

That's the Joker I like to hear.

[He meets Ren's eyes again, matching his unwavering resolve as his expression stills into something more serious.]

No matter what it means for me in the future, nothing is more important to me than fixing our reality. I won't dance in anyone's hand like a puppet ever again.

[If that means facing consequences for his crimes, so be it. If that means death, so be it. At least it's because it's what he wants.]

(Ren is... Infuriated, upset, lost and he feels betrayed. None of this felt good and all of if feels like it's his fault.

With the serious voice, though, he manages to address at least something else.)

I'm not apologizing or taking the kiss back. I want it.

(Very much.)

I can deal with this later.

Edited 2020-08-24 10:25 (UTC)

[There's a moment where Akechi can only blink at him, his carefully controlled expression falling into one of almost comical surprise.

Then he can't help it -- he laughs, a sound of sheer disbelief as he shakes his head.]

Seriously, at a time like this...

[After everything he'd just said, everything they were just talking about, Ren is still caught up on that?

It aches, like Ren had reached a hand into his chest and squeezed his lungs until he couldn't bring. That Ren can move on, so easily, can accept the unbelievable, accept that it can be changed, and move on like it's mission accomplished. Problem fucking solved. God, he hates how easily that comes to him.

It hurts to be wanted.

Fine. If Ren can ask so many questions, maybe he can finally ask one of his own.]

...Why?

[Why won't you give up on me?]

Someone asked me about us, you know. They noticed me.

(He's careful, almost like he's stepping around eggshells, trying not to break them.)

I denied it, but they didn't fall for it, even when I told them I had other things I had to deal back home and I couldn't care about this as it is.

(This is probably the most Akechi has ever heard Ren speak in one go, and if he was nervous before only upon hearing a simple question, he's very nervous here. Not that it shows this time, with his voice as thundering and sure as ever.)

They said I could try my very best to get out of this place, but when it comes down to it, we're stuck here. Prisoners to its time and will and no amount of running from it will change that.

(Finally, he sighs and watches Akechi, almost anxiously looking for anything in his expressions.)

It's true, at the end of the day. We don't know what's going to happen and I didn't want to hold anything back. I'd regret doing the opposite of what I've done regardless of the outcome, and I much rather live my life without those.

[Even now, it's amazing how starkly different the two of them can be. The idea of being noticed and what that might do to his reputation sends a shiver of fear through his heart, as much as he tells himself it doesn't matter, here or anywhere else. He doesn't have much of a reputation to loose, and any association with Ren, good, kind, helpful Ren can only be a benefit. But it's there all the same, visceral and uncontrolled.

And then revulsion, even stronger than the fear. Prisoners. Of course they're prisoners. They need to focus their power and energy to break free of this place, rip it apart and shred it until there's nothing left of it, not Heavenly Blanc, not the bathhouse, not a single fucking thing in this stark-white, empty world.

And then, finally, a hopeless kind of amusement, a laugh bubbling up from somewhere deep inside him and finally making it out, a raw noise of pure, unstoppable emotion.]

It's that easy, is it? [And maybe his voice is a hiss, like a shout that he just can't get enough air into, because of all of that, he can't understand it. He can't make sense of why, if he wants to live without regrets, Ren even bothers associating with someone like him.] To live a life without regrets? Did you forget what I did to you? To you and your friends? Is it more convenient for you to forget everything I've done because you're lonely?

[It's a snap, a sharp rebuke, a reflex slap away of a kind and gentle hand that he can't understand.]

(They will always circle back to it, won't they? Ren cannot stress this enough - he has forgiven him a long time ago, but it doesn't seem to make through Akechi's thick skull. Idiot.

He already had when the gates closed in front of his very eyes, when he witnessed Akechi's defeat and when he believed to have lost him. It's no wonder why his glove always sits within the pockets of his blazers.

At the idea of him only doing this because he's lonely though is what makes him narrow his eyes, what directly pokes a reaction amid all the taunting. What the hell?)

I am not lonely, Akechi.

(After all, he is friends with the majority of the void, a good number of them keeping him company constantly.)

I've already told you I forgave you. It was literally the first discussion we've had. Do you think the two things are related?

Edited 2020-08-24 11:57 (UTC)

[He says lonely, because it's a nicer word, but he simply means horny. If any other Phantom Thief were here, wouldn't they be the subject of Ren's affections? Any one of them would be a better choice than someone like Akechi. A better friend, a better companion. Probably not a better lover, but the other two are infinitely more important.]

You don't just forgive the things I've done. I'm not a charity case for your savior complex.

[There are so many things that he'd done, from the death of his mother to half the things he'd done for his father, that are beyond forgiveness. That Ren doesn't have the right to forgive him for. He might have killed god, but he didn't take his place as a savior to absolve man of sin.]

Bottom line is.

(He's running thin on patience. It just feels like talking to a wall - doesn't matter how many times he explains it or how many different ways he frames it, Akechi never seems to listen.

Talking is already hard as it is. This level of forthcoming that isn't done through actions is very new to him and it's exhausting, his brain already starting to shut down through the bullshit.)

If you don't want it, it's fine. I can live with it and it's not a problem. I'm sure you have your reasons.

(If you don't want me, he means to say, but that bit gets stuck in his throat.)

What I don't accept is you kissing me with the same hunger, then giving me a sad attempt of a lie and then proceeding to tell me I'm better off without.

(Like Ren's the only horny one, Akechi.)

This is bullshit and you know it.

(Is this the first swear anyone has ever heard come out of Joker or even Ren? Possibly. Even so, the hand moves to his shoulder, where the one evidence that it happens sits, the almost faint half moons that Akechi pierced through his skin.)

Edited 2020-08-24 19:13 (UTC)

Don't be so childish.

[He glares with naked hatred, gaze sharpening on Ren's, but if he looks closely, there's just fear hidden behind all that vitriol. He can't tell him the truth, not after he'd so easily swallowed the lies Akechi had already fed him, but maybe he can at least make Ren think. For once in his stupid life.]

Let's suppose you're right. Fast forward until we return to our own reality. Worst case scenario, I'm in prison for the rest of my life for what I've done. [He clicks his tongue, waves a hand, lip curled in distaste. Even if his crimes were in the Metaverse, he'd entrenched deeply enough into Shido's conspiracy that they'll find a way to imprison him, whether he confesses or not.] Best case scenario, I'm dead before you even get out of juvie for their trumped-up crimes. You changing Shido's heart kicked up a hornet's nest of powerful people, and to his goons, I'm another loose end who mysteriously disappeared when their beloved ruler was taken out.

[He meets Ren's eyes with a steady gaze. They're all plausible hypotheticals, assuming he's not killed outright in that cursed engine room. It's dangerous to even say this much, to make Ren question his resolve, but he needs to know.]

Do you honestly mean to tell me that you'll face Maruki "without regrets" if you get involved with me?

Edited 2020-08-24 19:27 (UTC)

(God, Akechi talking again was such a relief for his brain. It had almost drained all his energy, the never-ending explaining and sharing, and he almost resorted to putting a pin in this conversation should he have to continue. Not that it would make much of a difference - it's not like they get to rest their brains here.

He listens, though. It brings a gloom to Ren's face, not as much as regret but more of anger, again. Just how messed up can they get? Either way.)

If I'm right, isn't all this even more reason to do it?

(Just. Allow themselves to be at peace, doing whatever they want if their fates are once more wrapped in an unfair game with almost no chances of winning. At least for the time being.)

I'd hate it.

(A beat.)

But what's right is right. This fight not about me, after all.

Edited 2020-08-24 19:29 (UTC)

[open] because i can only be me

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