ren (
forethinking) wrote in
tabularasa_rp2020-11-01 12:21 pm
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
(closed) rivers in the deseeeeeeeeeert
Who: renren & closed threads!
What: aftermaths of the event, hanging out with the phantom thieves and getting a cute gift! more will be added, probably, i am like that
Where: his apartment, hblanc, and perhaps a few others.
When: 3 days post event onwards.
Content Warnings: as per usual, beware of persona 5 royal spoilers in here!
What: aftermaths of the event, hanging out with the phantom thieves and getting a cute gift! more will be added, probably, i am like that
Where: his apartment, hblanc, and perhaps a few others.
When: 3 days post event onwards.
Content Warnings: as per usual, beware of persona 5 royal spoilers in here!
no subject
[His eyes close once again at the simple kiss to his cheek, but before he can reach out, Ren's already retreating. He takes a breath and crosses the room to sit, sitting at the desk so he can more easily eat and face the other boy than if they were both on the bed.]
Minesweeper, [he says, a hint of dryness entering his voice, as if to say really?] Now that the concept of time exists, I hope you're not wasting it.
no subject
I'll remember that. (When he sees you secretly playing on the computer out of boredom, Akechi.)
no subject
[Excuse you, he only spends his time in meaningful ways!!
He exhales a sigh and tries to eat some of the curry. He knows logically he should be hungry, so he forces himself to eat it, but it's a struggle.
Finally he has to ask,] How did you kill my cognitive self?
no subject
(Ren sighs, trying to keep the image out of his mind. The words, the shot, the feeling of nothingness until it sank.
It takes him a while to speak again, but he keeps his eyes on the other.)
It was not my nightmare. I'm not worried or scared about you hurting me. (A beat later;) How scared are you of us?
no subject
[As far as Akechi's concerned, this conversation is now over. After all, if the apparition were killed, then it's not worth thinking about any longer. Ren had obviously survived the encounter, and that's all that matters.
But of course Ren can't leave it at that. Akechi's stomach seizes up with tension, and he sets the half-empty bowl of curry aside to instead glare at the other boy.]
Don't be absurd, [he snaps before he can stop himself.] You don't scare me.
no subject
I mean us. (Ren repeats, deadpan. Akechi heard it the first time, he's sure, and Ren is not found of repeating himself. Yet, he's still patient, even if he feels as anxious as he could get.
The first thing he can reach for is his glasses, resting on the edge of the bed and he takes it to fidget with. Skinny fingers twist the parts of the accessory before he continues:)
"Hurting you is the only thing I'm capable of, after all" - That's the last thing it said before it shot you in the head.
no subject
So he forces himself to at least look relaxed, even if it feels like every muscle is stretched taut like a spring about to snap.]
Does it matter? The cognitive being was dealt with. Now, if we're dragged back into that... alternate world, perhaps it'll become relevant, but for now? [He flicks a hand dismissively.] It's not important.
no subject
(And Akechi has left Ren dumbfounded and edging enraged, just with a few words. With just a few sounds, all the anger that he has managed to cool bubbles up once again, Ren being the one gritting his teeth when Akechi relaxes.)
How is it not important, Goro? Do you expect me to just nevermind it?!
(How could he? Just go back to their routine, like he wasn't holding the knowledge that Akechi still seems to have reservations, overwhelming fears, even after all the talking they've had over the past months? To know that he's scared, and not be able to relief his anxieties when Ren himself is directly the target of those?
Those are not options.)
no subject
no subject
(Which he feels is fair and honestly, obvious.
He knows Akechi is frightened. After all this time, he can tell that there's always something chaining the other back - from the very first moment they've kissed and Akechi told him he wasn't interested, to hearing his fear personally from the depths of Akechi's mind personified.
He won't speak over the other, for the other. He needs Akechi to acknowledge that they have a problem that they can fix.)
no subject
Isn't that what he always does? Isn't that what he'd tried to promise that he wouldn't do anymore? The silence extends between them, drawn out and uncomfortable as he chews the inside of his lip and stares at the other boy.]
You're asking quite a lot, [he says finally, the hints of a snarl still in his voice, though it's more the sound of a trapped animal than one primed to attack.]
no subject
The words arrive eventually, and Ren lowers his head to agree.)
Maybe so. (After all, he knows that vulnerability is not the other's strongest skill. Ren pushes himself off the bed, and with each step towards the other, his anxiety grows but even so, there's nothing but certainty in his approach.
He comes close enough to be at arm's length away from Akechi, studying his features before he speaks again.)
You should have said it existed in the first place. (Akechi could have called, instead of facing the cognition by himself. Was he scared to the point Ren couldn't even know it existed?) I... (And it's a sigh that leaves instead of words, leaving space for silence while he gathers his thoughts.)
I want to make you happy. I can't do that if I don't know what's hindering it.
no subject
So he doesn't look at Ren as he approaches, his eyes meeting the other boy's for just a moment before sliding away, glaring at the opposite wall. Each word Ren says is like a physical blow, and he flinches when Ren says he wants to make him happy. He almost laughs, though it isn't funny.]
Forgive me for not wanting the contents of my brain spilled out in front of you and your friends yet again, [he manages, and though there's still a bite to his voice, he's able to hold back the snarl.] I intended to handle it myself.
[As for the rest, he doesn't answer it, because he simply, genuinely, doesn't have an answer for it, can't even begin to bullshit one immediately. Ren deserves better than that kind of half-hearted answer.]
no subject
But it wasn't. It was a murderous thing, hellbent on hurting Ren and, from the state of Sumi when she arrived, everyone he holds dear. The possibilities of what could have happened were endless and Ren? Ren doesn't even know where to begin with how much went wrong due to Akechi's inability to let others in. Perhaps, had Ren known what haunts him from the beginning, this being would never have manifested in the first place.
A thousand thoughts roam through his head - he's pissed to the point he wants to leave, cool down and think this over, before the roles reverse and Ren's the one snapping... But he won't do any of the sort. Inhaling a deep breath, Ren lets the silence drag even though it's not on purpose; he's just attempting to structure his sentences, try to say what he means the best way possible.)
I understand you treasure your privacy. (And the words flow, accompanied by the deep, serious and thundering voice that usually replaces the calmness when he's this aggravated.) ... But this was above that. You should have told me, we could have defeated it together.
no subject
[He cuts himself off, because Ren is right. If their positions were reversed, he'd be laying out the exact same arguments, just with more vitriol. So maybe that's what finally sparks his laughter, an uncontrollable surge rising in his throat.]
Defeated it together? [he echoes, the note of his voice just barely starting to edge toward the hysterical.] Oh, yes, because that worked so well when we did fight it together. Or did you forget that it apparently took my death to destroy it?
no subject
There was no way of you knowing.
(And besides, when Akechi arrived, Ren had been protected by Satanael himself. A minuscule blow would have killed the black-haired boy.)
no subject
[He pushes himself off the bed; if Ren's standing, he's not going to very well stay sitting, keeping the bed between the two of them as he glares openly at the other boy. He knows that's not what Ren wants; Ren wants reasons, Ren wants to pick into the innermost recesses of his brain and try to help, as impossible as it is.]
I thought I could handle it myself. Shall I prostrate myself before you and beg for forgiveness?
no subject
That's not how a relationship should work, is it? Even when Ren still struggles to let Akechi into his brain, with communicating how he feels, there has to be a way for them to be better. Perhaps Ren himself should take the first step, show Akechi he is willing to try and give up the hold he has, the need for control, when the situation calls for it.
Inhaling, exhaling, trying to keep the upsetness at bay so that he can actually produce coherent sounds, he speaks:)
You're not the only one who's afraid. (And it's a moment before he can speak again.)
I knew it wasn't my nightmare because I don't believe a thing it said, but my nightmare happened either way.
no subject
[He bites his tongue, because he can see that Ren is trying. Ren is trying, and he'd promised he would try, too. His eyes narrow into slits as he gnaws at the inside of his lower lip again, stopping only once he tastes the iron tang of blood.]
Fine, [he concedes shortly, forcibly unclenching his fists at his sides and taking a breath, swallowing back frightened saliva and blood.] You can say you don't believe it, but it doesn't make it any less true. [An expansive gesture to indicate the room, the Void, everything around them as he's done before.] Isn't this just another example of it, Ren?
no subject
You're wrong. (Ren shows his hands in an unspoken display that he means no harm when he circles the bed to reach the other, the same hands gently cupping the warm cheeks as his gaze falls into the other's own.) You make me happy, you idiot. I see the work you put into this.
(Akechi has stated before he may never understand Ren, but that he'd put in effort to try and he can't do that if Ren doesn't provide him with his point of view. With his hands now dropping to his side, Ren continues:)
It's impossible to be with someone without hurting them at some point. (Regardless of the status of their relationship - Ryuji upset Mona. Ren hurt Ann and he'd most definitely have hurt all of them with how he planned to turn himself in without notice.) If you think that's the only thing you're capable of, you haven't been paying attention.
no subject
[His brows furrow, knit together, even as he closes his eyes and lets the other boy cup his face. His hands are so much different from Akechi's own, rough and calloused and warm unlike his own hands, soft and cold. His chest aches like all of his emotions are banging together in there, trying to break open his ribs as if from a prison.
Ren lowers his hands, and Akechi feels bereft without them, teeth gritting and threatening to gnaw at his lower lip again. Instead, he forces himself to open his mouth -- open, then close it, desperately trying to think of what he wants to say and how to do it in such a way that Ren won't leave. It seems impossible to have both understanding and someone to stay with him. Perhaps that's it.]
It isn't just that, [he says finally, voice barely above a ragged whisper.] I'm not stupid. I'm not a child. I can hear what you're saying. And yet my entire life, I've...
[He's just wanted someone around. No matter what he did, no one ever stayed with him. Not for long. His hands clench and unclench at his sides as he stares away, unable to meet Ren's eyes. Logically, he knows Ren truly does believe what he's saying. But it's so hard to reconcile with everything he's experienced his entire life.]
Fears don't go away simply because we wish them to. The more illogical the fear, the harder it is to shake loose.
no subject
(He knows enough about Akechi to know they're not unbased on some sort of reality, perceived or otherwise. It pains him, but he still can hear the reminiscent memories - yells and shrieks of a deranged mind, screaming how he has carefully molded everything in his life so that someone would want him around. Akechi doesn't even need to finish his sentence when Ren already knows exactly what his trauma is bubbling underneath the surface.
Ren, on the other hand, doesn't want Akechi to ever do that around him, for him. He likes--, no. That's not it, is it?)
Goro. (And he takes the unclenched hands into his again, both as a small romantic gesture and as a way to keep Akechi from doing it again, because really, Ren knows Akechi will immediately tense up as soon as he continues and he doesn't want the other to almost break his own fingers putting pressure on his palm.) I love you.
(And if Akechi bears to look, Ren looks exactly as he'd expect. Sure of his words, not a single question in his mind to steer him into uncertainty. No, just Ren's gray eyes, honest and open. Akechi might as well want to throw him out of the window for it.)
I know that fact doesn't change all the shit you've been through. (Curse word, because really, there's no other.) And I don't expect you to believe me on my word alone and I don't expect you to deal with it overnight.
I just want to be a real part of this. If you still want me, I'm not going anywhere.
(He just wants to be with Akechi while he fights off what holds him back and be an active participant of their relationship, but he needs Akechi to allow it.)
no subject
Ren says he loves him, and Akechi almost laughs in his face. No, he doesn't, he wants to point out. He's confused love with lust, he's confused loyalty with romance, he's confused. He's just confused.
Which makes the open honesty in his eyes even harder to fathom. Even if he thinks he loves someone like Akechi, he'll be proven wrong. He'll hurt him, betray him, lash out and act out until even Ren can't forgive him anymore. He's not the kind of person who's loved except from a distance as something he's crafted himself to be.
But Ren's confronted the worst parts of him, over and over, and he's still reaching out. Still wants to be with him. Still says he loves him.
Akechi yanks his hands back in a sudden motion, swallowing hard against those same emotions that are trying to well up and choke him. He should say something. Ren will see his silence as rejection. He needs to fix this.
Instead, barely able to breathe past the choking vines climbing up his throat, he simply leans in. Slowly, as if expecting to be rejected himself, he rests his forehead against Ren's shoulder. He's so scared of being thrown away, but he's so tired of being constantly afraid.
He closes his eyes and reaches up with both hands, gripping Ren's back with the fierceness of a drowning man, a wordless attempt at acceptance while begging to be accepted in return.
Akechi hugs Ren and almost starts to sob.]
no subject
He's not making that mistake again.
Akechi fell silent, but that was expected. He has never been outstandingly good at dealing with emotions, his or otherwise, and Ren's patient as he watches what can very much be Akechi's brain melting from working overtime. There's no thoughts that the silence itself is a rejection, but it would be a lie to deny he isn't feeling that it could come.
At this point, what if Akechi doesn't want him anymore? What if he makes the other too uncomfortable at the end of the day, what if he's been too imposing? What if having their hearts ripped off their very chests and opened for the other to peek through all the Void has put them through becomes just what overwhelms him to the point of letting go? Whether in an attempt of protecting Ren or merely due to the nature of their situation. It's not the silence, you see.
But then, much like a terrified animal, Akechi approaches and Ren doesn't think twice before wrapping his arms around him. The hold Akechi has on him is tight, and before Ren even notices it, his own matches in strength and intent, and he presses a kiss to Akechi's temple.
He's never leaving Akechi alone again.)
no subject
He's taller than Ren is, but right now, he feels so small. Like he could break to pieces under the force of his own shaking. He grits his teeth against a fresh onslaught of emotion, a part of him wondering with a vague detachment if this is what a normal mental breakdown feels like, one that's not forced by Loki's power. There's so much he keeps to himself, that he keeps from Ren, for one reason or another. To make himself seem stronger, to shore up the other's resolve, for this reason or that reason. There's always an excuse to hide behind.]
Should I apologize? [he whispers finally, when he trusts himself not to start sobbing. He doesn't want to cry in front of Ren; he doesn't even know if he can. Everything just feels so fragile.]
(no subject)
(no subject)
p5royal spoilers
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)