forethinking: (n4DGfIw)
ren ([personal profile] forethinking) wrote in [community profile] tabularasa_rp2020-11-01 12:21 pm

(closed) rivers in the deseeeeeeeeeert

Who: renren & closed threads!
What: aftermaths of the event, hanging out with the phantom thieves and getting a cute gift! more will be added, probably, i am like that
Where: his apartment, hblanc, and perhaps a few others.
When: 3 days post event onwards.
Content Warnings: as per usual, beware of persona 5 royal spoilers in here!
simulatio: (SlRSB1w)

[personal profile] simulatio 2020-11-06 09:54 pm (UTC)(link)
Ren...

[His eyes close once again at the simple kiss to his cheek, but before he can reach out, Ren's already retreating. He takes a breath and crosses the room to sit, sitting at the desk so he can more easily eat and face the other boy than if they were both on the bed.]

Minesweeper, [he says, a hint of dryness entering his voice, as if to say really?] Now that the concept of time exists, I hope you're not wasting it.
simulatio: (PGO71q9)

[personal profile] simulatio 2020-11-06 11:20 pm (UTC)(link)
Good.

[Excuse you, he only spends his time in meaningful ways!!

He exhales a sigh and tries to eat some of the curry. He knows logically he should be hungry, so he forces himself to eat it, but it's a struggle.

Finally he has to ask,]
How did you kill my cognitive self?
simulatio: (T6mWc43)

[personal profile] simulatio 2020-11-07 12:11 am (UTC)(link)
...I see.

[As far as Akechi's concerned, this conversation is now over. After all, if the apparition were killed, then it's not worth thinking about any longer. Ren had obviously survived the encounter, and that's all that matters.

But of course Ren can't leave it at that. Akechi's stomach seizes up with tension, and he sets the half-empty bowl of curry aside to instead glare at the other boy.]


Don't be absurd, [he snaps before he can stop himself.] You don't scare me.
simulatio: (Qc1idnP)

[personal profile] simulatio 2020-11-07 12:29 am (UTC)(link)
[Akechi just stares at him, feeling more like a caged animal than he had when he'd first woken up. He watches Ren fiddle with his glasses, feels a muscle in his jaw twitch and realizes only then that he's gritting his teeth.

So he forces himself to at least look relaxed, even if it feels like every muscle is stretched taut like a spring about to snap.]


Does it matter? The cognitive being was dealt with. Now, if we're dragged back into that... alternate world, perhaps it'll become relevant, but for now? [He flicks a hand dismissively.] It's not important.
simulatio: (282)

[personal profile] simulatio 2020-11-07 02:57 pm (UTC)(link)
What- [he starts, voice edging into a snarl, before he forces himself to stop and take a breath. There's anger in his eyes, but if he looks, Ren might be able to see the same kind of fear he feels hidden behind that reflexive surge of anger.] What do you want me to say?
simulatio: (281)

[personal profile] simulatio 2020-11-07 04:12 pm (UTC)(link)
[He hisses quietly through his teeth, as if holding back a swear. There's a part of him that wants to lash out, like always; hit Ren where it hurts, remind him that he died for him, twice now, and if he wants to keep secrets, that's his right.

Isn't that what he always does? Isn't that what he'd tried to promise that he wouldn't do anymore? The silence extends between them, drawn out and uncomfortable as he chews the inside of his lip and stares at the other boy.]


You're asking quite a lot, [he says finally, the hints of a snarl still in his voice, though it's more the sound of a trapped animal than one primed to attack.]
simulatio: (Qc1idnP)

[personal profile] simulatio 2020-11-08 12:33 am (UTC)(link)
[His breath comes hard through his nose as he restrains himself from biting back, his hands clenching into fists at his sides. It used to be so easy to hold back his true feelings, to laugh and smile and hide it all behind the Detective Prince. But he doesn't do that around Ren. He still hides from him, just in different ways. For all their talk about the true self, it's Akechi's true self that has always been the problem, because who is he, really? Who is he if not trying to either be the most likable version of himself, or intentionally reversing it to be hated?

So he doesn't look at Ren as he approaches, his eyes meeting the other boy's for just a moment before sliding away, glaring at the opposite wall. Each word Ren says is like a physical blow, and he flinches when Ren says he wants to make him happy. He almost laughs, though it isn't funny.]


Forgive me for not wanting the contents of my brain spilled out in front of you and your friends yet again, [he manages, and though there's still a bite to his voice, he's able to hold back the snarl.] I intended to handle it myself.

[As for the rest, he doesn't answer it, because he simply, genuinely, doesn't have an answer for it, can't even begin to bullshit one immediately. Ren deserves better than that kind of half-hearted answer.]
simulatio: (T6mWc43)

[personal profile] simulatio 2020-11-08 06:34 am (UTC)(link)
I-

[He cuts himself off, because Ren is right. If their positions were reversed, he'd be laying out the exact same arguments, just with more vitriol. So maybe that's what finally sparks his laughter, an uncontrollable surge rising in his throat.]

Defeated it together? [he echoes, the note of his voice just barely starting to edge toward the hysterical.] Oh, yes, because that worked so well when we did fight it together. Or did you forget that it apparently took my death to destroy it?
simulatio: (T6mWc43)

[personal profile] simulatio 2020-11-08 02:05 pm (UTC)(link)
What do you want, an apology?

[He pushes himself off the bed; if Ren's standing, he's not going to very well stay sitting, keeping the bed between the two of them as he glares openly at the other boy. He knows that's not what Ren wants; Ren wants reasons, Ren wants to pick into the innermost recesses of his brain and try to help, as impossible as it is.]

I thought I could handle it myself. Shall I prostrate myself before you and beg for forgiveness?
simulatio: (Qc1idnP)

[personal profile] simulatio 2020-11-08 02:55 pm (UTC)(link)
I'm not-!

[He bites his tongue, because he can see that Ren is trying. Ren is trying, and he'd promised he would try, too. His eyes narrow into slits as he gnaws at the inside of his lower lip again, stopping only once he tastes the iron tang of blood.]

Fine, [he concedes shortly, forcibly unclenching his fists at his sides and taking a breath, swallowing back frightened saliva and blood.] You can say you don't believe it, but it doesn't make it any less true. [An expansive gesture to indicate the room, the Void, everything around them as he's done before.] Isn't this just another example of it, Ren?
simulatio: (qIiqqgH)

[personal profile] simulatio 2020-11-11 12:26 am (UTC)(link)
Ren...

[His brows furrow, knit together, even as he closes his eyes and lets the other boy cup his face. His hands are so much different from Akechi's own, rough and calloused and warm unlike his own hands, soft and cold. His chest aches like all of his emotions are banging together in there, trying to break open his ribs as if from a prison.

Ren lowers his hands, and Akechi feels bereft without them, teeth gritting and threatening to gnaw at his lower lip again. Instead, he forces himself to open his mouth -- open, then close it, desperately trying to think of what he wants to say and how to do it in such a way that Ren won't leave. It seems impossible to have both understanding and someone to stay with him. Perhaps that's it.]


It isn't just that, [he says finally, voice barely above a ragged whisper.] I'm not stupid. I'm not a child. I can hear what you're saying. And yet my entire life, I've...

[He's just wanted someone around. No matter what he did, no one ever stayed with him. Not for long. His hands clench and unclench at his sides as he stares away, unable to meet Ren's eyes. Logically, he knows Ren truly does believe what he's saying. But it's so hard to reconcile with everything he's experienced his entire life.]

Fears don't go away simply because we wish them to. The more illogical the fear, the harder it is to shake loose.
simulatio: (FKaF0OD)

[personal profile] simulatio 2020-11-11 12:43 pm (UTC)(link)
[As predicted, his muscles tense when Ren takes his hands, his fingers seizing up as if broken. He chances a glance at Ren and his heart aches once again like it's simply too full of emotion, winding up through his lungs and choking him.

Ren says he loves him, and Akechi almost laughs in his face. No, he doesn't, he wants to point out. He's confused love with lust, he's confused loyalty with romance, he's confused. He's just confused.

Which makes the open honesty in his eyes even harder to fathom. Even if he thinks he loves someone like Akechi, he'll be proven wrong. He'll hurt him, betray him, lash out and act out until even Ren can't forgive him anymore. He's not the kind of person who's loved except from a distance as something he's crafted himself to be.

But Ren's confronted the worst parts of him, over and over, and he's still reaching out. Still wants to be with him. Still says he loves him.

Akechi yanks his hands back in a sudden motion, swallowing hard against those same emotions that are trying to well up and choke him. He should say something. Ren will see his silence as rejection. He needs to fix this.

Instead, barely able to breathe past the choking vines climbing up his throat, he simply leans in. Slowly, as if expecting to be rejected himself, he rests his forehead against Ren's shoulder. He's so scared of being thrown away, but he's so tired of being constantly afraid.

He closes his eyes and reaches up with both hands, gripping Ren's back with the fierceness of a drowning man, a wordless attempt at acceptance while begging to be accepted in return.

Akechi hugs Ren and almost starts to sob.]
simulatio: (GFYYkCo)

[personal profile] simulatio 2020-11-13 12:23 am (UTC)(link)
[Ren's lack of hesitation to hug him back dissolves the last of Akechi's wariness, at least for the time being. He squeezes his eyes tightly shut and keeps gripping the back of Ren's shirt, shaking slightly with the force of his emotions. He spends so long holding himself back, only letting himself be free in combat, that he almost doesn't know how to express himself like this.

He's taller than Ren is, but right now, he feels so small. Like he could break to pieces under the force of his own shaking. He grits his teeth against a fresh onslaught of emotion, a part of him wondering with a vague detachment if this is what a normal mental breakdown feels like, one that's not forced by Loki's power. There's so much he keeps to himself, that he keeps from Ren, for one reason or another. To make himself seem stronger, to shore up the other's resolve, for this reason or that reason. There's always an excuse to hide behind.]


Should I apologize? [he whispers finally, when he trusts himself not to start sobbing. He doesn't want to cry in front of Ren; he doesn't even know if he can. Everything just feels so fragile.]

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