tabularasa_rp | Change is in the Air (OTA)

Ah, Rinoa...

[This was awkward. This was really awkward. She'd gotten kind of fortunate in Memetos that the worst she'd done was piss Viridi off, and seriously that wasn't actually difficult with the littlest nature goddess. Most of her interactions had been with people in situations where jealousy couldn't make it worse, or with those immune to her wiles.

Rinoa had been the lone serious exception. Parsee hadn't gone looking for her, in part because she was embarrassed by just how possessive she'd gotten. She'd been so intensely jealous the moment she'd seen the fake Squall and recognized him for who he had to be, and it had gone downhill from there. Yeah, they'd gotten through it, but Rinoa had gotten the brunt of how demanding, unreasonable and envious Parsee could be, even if she hadn't done anything horrible specifically because of it. Part of the reason she hadn't looed Rinoa up had also been that she wasn't sure that Rinoa even wanted to see her.

So, she worried her lip, resting the broom against the altar and breathing in slowly.]

Real recently. Time's working so... I think it's been a couple days? It's hard to keep track that well without eay and night. You... uh... didn't miss that much.

...

It's alright. I'd have understood if you didn't want to talk to me again. I made you feel things. A lot of things you shouldn't have had to And I wish I was more regretful about it.

[Becaue as uncomfortable as she was, she was honest enough to admit that she liked the envious way Rinoa had looked at her, and she knew that way could lead to trouble.]

[ It's not an apology, but for what it is, it's actually a lot more than Rinoa expected - or thought she deserved. In the dream, she learned for herself that she is who she is; she can't control it, and she doesn't need to be afraid of it. The same, in her mind, is true for Parsee. What happened to them down there... it was a result of who the other woman is, and her powers. It was difficult, and more telling than she'll ever admit to anyone else, but it wasn't something Parsee did on purpose, either.

So it takes her a moment, but she shakes her head, and reaches out to place her hand over Parsee's, now that it's free of the broom. ]

It's not because of what happened that I haven't come to see you.

[ It's not entirely the truth. It is because of what happened, at least in part. But not anything that Parsee did, which is why it's easier to explain it this way. Right? Rinoa smiles, hoping that the other understands where she's coming from... or at least hoping that the smile shows that she's okay - that they're okay. ]

A lot happened down there and I guess I've kind of been keeping to myself, you know? And then I came out of my apartment and... I know you said it's not much, but it feels like lots changed.

[It definitely wasn't an apology, even if there was some contrition in there. Part of her had wanted that to happen, and that part had really liked how jealous Rinoa got. About Parsee. Of Parsee. That hint of possessiveness she'd tried to stoke had been... more intentional than she was ready to admit. But she'd also been far more intimately aware of that side of herself before Memetos.

Swallowing, he blinked when a hand was on the back of hers, color flooding her cheeks a little. The youkai hadn't expected physical contact of any kind right now, but she wasn't yanking her hand back. Her eyes had trouble meeting Rinoa's, but then the woman smiled and she started to relax a little, almost meeting her gaze.]

I... kind of get it. You have a lot to process I guess. Easier alone. Didn't want to be a bother...

... the shrine? It's kind of irritating. Think the void's trying to make some sort of complex or something. [She shrugged.] I don't really like it, but none of us do. We kind of agreed to share, because it'll be worse if I try to compete.

[Her eyes turned down and she breathed in and out.]

I... yeah, I guess there's been changes. But... are you sure you're ok? I said some things, did some things. You should be mad at me right now.

[ Oh, that's right. There's more than just Parsee here who would count as a spirit that could be worshipped or prayed to, right? She hasn't met all of them, but she certainly remembers that there are even those here who are identified as gods back on their own worlds. At least everyone's agreed to share the place - she's not sure how she feels about a collection of deities and other spirits fighting over any of the places they have here.

She's about to ask if there's anything she can do to help - tend it, help clean up, something like that - when Parsee tells her she should be mad, and the younger woman shakes her head again, her fingers tightening briefly over Parsee's hand before she lets go. ]

Why would I be angry? You can't control who you are any more than anyone else, Parsee. Plus, after so long without our powers, I don't know if anyone was expecting to have them back so suddenly, you know? And...

[ She's quiet for a moment here, thinking it over before she offers the other woman a small smile. ]

If what I experienced down there was even the tiniest part of what you have to deal with every day, then you're probably the strongest person here!

Ngh... you can be so forgiving sometimes. I almost hate it, even if I don't.

Her hands went to Rinoa's forearms, fingers coiling around the sleeves that she wore there and making their way to grip while she stepped in enough that there really wasn't much more than a few inches between them, the shorter blonde looking up at her out of the corner of her eye.]

Fine... you can forgive me for being a literal spirit of jealousy, and doing what comes naturally. I... I can deal with that. It's what you are, and you can't help being kind of a saint about this, but I'm not that strong. I'm just used to being this way.

Ngh... why aren't you upset with me about how jealous I am? About you? [Fine, she'd just flat out say it.] You realize I'm jealous of Squall right? That I probably always will be? I don't even know why I'm jealous of the fact that he's such a big piece of your whole world, but I am, and I don't ... I don't get why you keep forgiving me for that.

[ The thing is, she understands that Parsee is jealous of Squall. The spirit essentially said as much in the depths of the nightmare realm. It could just be that she doesn't quite understand the depth of it, or that she'd never be angry or feel the need to forgive someone over feelings of jealousy, or maybe a mix of the two; even she's not entirely sure herself. Either way, all she can do in response to the admission is shake her head and smile. ]

Why would I need to forgive you, though? I don't understand. It's okay to be jealous of him, you know? It's true, he's... he's someone who's really important to me, and... [ She makes a face, something a little embarrassed, a little apologetic. ] I know I talk about him a lot, too. I think when it's like that, it can be kinda difficult...

[ Difficult how, she's not exactly sure she can put into words. She's not even sure that she understands it in her own mind. But it's a lot, for people like them, to be here alone without the usual comforts from home. And perhaps even harder for Parsee, dealing with someone as attached to home as Rinoa is. ]

[She sagged, her fingers relaxing their hold on Rinoa's forearms. One went up to the shoulder and gripped languidly there while her head came in to rest against the opposite one. The other went to her waist. Was it a hug, or was she just leaning against her? Little hard to say, but she pressed with the hand at the shoulder and with her weight, trying to give the non-verbal cue that she was hoping to get them down, seated. If she could get Rinoa to play along, she'd try and set in her lap.]

... [Sigh] You... realize that it might be because I wish I was as important to you as he is, right? I don't know if that's what's going through my head. Most people push me away when I get this jealous, so I never explore the why. But you have to realize that might be it, don't you?

[She closed her eyes. Rinoa would probably forgive that too. She was pretty sure of it, because it just seemed in her nature. She almost wanted to tell her that if he were here, she wouldn't be able to appease them both. You couldn't make everyone happy. In her mind, someone always lost, usually her.]

But... if you're ok with it, I... might want to figure out why I'm jealous for once.

[ Perhaps it's a little hard to understand exactly what the mark of affection is, but it's still more than she ever expected to get from the other, so it's more than welcome. And maybe there's a hint of confusion in her smile, but Rinoa does in fact sit down when nudged to do so. The rest of her expression remains gentle, reassuring; in response to the question, she nods. Even if that's what it is, why would that make it not okay? ]

If you wanna figure out why you're jealous, I'll support you. I'm not just gonna push you away for feelings you can't help.

[ And what if that is it? For her part, Rinoa's never dealt with something quite like this before. But regardless... ]

Let's just take it one step at a time, okay? And if that's what it turns out to be, we'll figure it out when we get there. You know?

[She made it sound so easy. It sounded so god-damned easy for her to just deal with feelings. Parsee didn't even know if she had feelings, if she was just jealous because she had so few friends and now this woman refused to stop being close to her. Forgave her for anything, or if she wished... well, if that was what it is, what would she have wished?

Her face was beet red. Her fingers clenched a little.]

A step at a time... and ... if that's what it turns out to be... you'll just have to decide how you feel about that in turn right?

[Because that's how this sort of thing worked, wasn't it? And now she was being unfair and implanting the thought in Rinoa's head. What if!]

[ It's true that for Rinoa, dealing with feelings is easy, something that comes to her almost without thinking. But she is also used to dealing with those who aren't so accustomed to it, so it's easy for her to take Parsee's embarrassment in stride.

She shakes her head, reaching out and once more brushing her fingers against the other's wrist, an almost patting motion with the intent of helping her calm down where she's burning up with embarrassment. She's not about to make promises she can't keep, but something she can promise at least is... ]

I'll think about it carefully, okay? If you're going to take such big steps, then it's the least I can do.

[She flinched the first time hands touched her wrist, but relaxed immediately afterwards. Her body just sort of sank into the half-way embrace. There was something so odd about what Rinoa said. Parsee swallowed, her hands gripping a little more tightly while she kept her eyes closed and whispered.]

Thank you... for not making promises... still can't believe you'd say that much.

[After all, she knew there was Squall. She remembered being in space, the glimmer of regret, fear and hope. How long had they ended up in space? If this just friendship and she was coping with her own stupid psyche that was easy. Give her a month and she'd figure something out. Probably. But if she was actually interested in this girl? Squall was still very real, right?

But Rinoa hadn't just flat out said 'you understand I can't do that' or the like. She'd only promised that she'd think about it.]

But... thank you for offering to at least consider. I really wouldn't have thought you would.

[After all, Squall had to be a better choice? Ngh... she could control the jealousy, but it was definitely there.]

[ She smiles at that, shaking her head as Parsee leans into her, her own arms coming up to circle around the other. Of course she wouldn't make a promise she can't guarantee she'll keep. She takes her promises seriously; everyone who knows her in the Void knows that she spent the first however-long looking for her flower field in hopes of finding Squall there. Maybe she's young and naïve, but promises in her mind are things that should be honored.

But she's not going to completely shut the other down, either. Parsee deserves more than that. ]

It's the least I can do. I told you I'd help you, remember?

[ Speaking of promises, it had been one she'd made to herself, too; to help Parsee to open up to others, just like she knew she could. ]

[She sighed and laughed a little, leaning back from the hug to look Rinoa in the face. Her lip quivered a bit at the edge of a smile, even if her face was still scarlet and her eyes a little red at the edges. She looked frustrated, but at the same time a little happy. Taking one hand, she went up to put two fingers to Rinoa's lips.]

Don't you dare say you're doing it to help me if you say yes. At that point... if we have that talk, it's a different talk. And... [Her hand moved down, touching just beneath the collarbone. Just a tap, just a reminder.] It's about what's in here.

But... that's... not for now. Just thanks. For being a friend.

[ She can't help but laugh at the comment - not at Parsee herself, but more her train of thought. She's sure the other knows her better than to assume she would simply take pity on her, but she also knows that that's just the way Parsee's brain works - worst scenario first. Right? ]

I know, I know. What I meant is... whatever it ends up being, I'll stick by your side, okay?

[ It's her way of saying that Parsee won't lose her. As far as she's concerned, they've come too far for that. ]

[It was definitely not because of a poorer awareness of Rinoa's nature. She just had a constant self-doubt to struggle with. Worst scenarios were always best to assume... But that comment, it made her sigh a bit in relief and she nodded.]

I... I trust you. You've stuck with me so far. And... yeah, I think... I think that's enough about that. I don't think either of us is entirely ready to say more. Just...

Think about it ok?

[ She nods, and reaches up to squeeze her arms briefly around the other. Whatever happens from here, she's confident that they'll be able to figure it out. ]

Okay. And if you need me, you know where to find me, right?

[She swallowed. What Rinoa sounded like she was suggesting was that Parsee had permission to look her up. That was... she was sure that was a bad idea. but she was also not stopping her. Ok, she'd agreed, knowing what she was in for, so...]

I will. I'll try not to be a stranger. Even if you have to take time for yourself I might still track you down.

[ Rinoa nods, and smiles. ]

I'll remember that.

[ Not that taking time for herself is really how she usually operates, anyway. The nightmare just took a toll on her like nothing else ever had. ]

[It ... had really been something, hadn't it? For both of them. Parsee sighed and finally started to dislodge herself, getting slowly to her feet and offering a hand.]

You're allowed to disagree, but you have rotten taste in friends, Rinoa. [She winked.] I'm just going to say that right now.

[The fact that she managed a little laugh as she said that? It was clear she was kidding, mostly.]

[ She laughs in response even as she accepts the offered hand, allowing Parsee to help her to her feet in turn. ]

You know, I'm glad you already know I'm gonna disagree with you!

I'd have to be blind to miss that about you. You're so, ngh... stubborn. I envy that a little.

[She dusted her clothes a little, smoothing them once they were both up on their feet and looking over at Rinoa quietly, reaching up to scratch the back of her head.]

Uh... I know this was a social call, but did you want to use the shrine at all?

[ At the offer, she's quiet for a moment, an almost-sheepish expression crossing her face. The truth is... ]

Um, I guess this is gonna sound really weird to you, Parsee, but... I've never actually used a shrine before. We don't really have them back home, you know?

[ Still, from what she understands, back where the other is from, they're meant to offer her a kind of power, so... ]

Would you show me?

Well, you're not from Earth, so that surprises me a lot less than it might for some folks. I wonder how you do religious things in your world. But sure, I can show you.

...

uh... [Swallow] But before we start, you realize that this is my shrine, so you'd be praying to me, right?

[ Religion? Admittedly, it's not really a thing back home. The world has a god, but they don't pray to him or believe he has an influence anymore past his creation. Perhaps it's because he passed his power on to others - the Sorceresses who are now both feared and admired by everyone around the world - but the truth is Rinoa really doesn't know. All she can do is shake her head. This isn't about her world right now.

She smiles. ]

That's okay. I don't know if it will help you in any way now that we're here, but if it does anything at all, it'll just be good, right?

I...I mean, if you pray to me for help, maybe for someone you care about, I can... it's supposed to help you not me! But it does feel like it's having an effec...

[GAH! She was the one getting prayed to. This was supposed to help Rinoa! Parsee sighed and walked over to the altar, motioning for Rinao to join her and taking out a piece of paper.]

So... right. The idea is you leave an offering on the altar. You get my attention, which you... really have right now, and you write your prayer on the slip. We'll try to burn it.

Maybe encourage the fire. It's still learning how to burn things. And then... I bless you.

Change is in the Air (OTA)

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