tabularasa_rp | Change is in the Air (OTA)

[Right. So... Shouting and Bargaining were steps that happened almost immediately. Pain/Guilt & Anger/Bargaining had sort of bled away after the first ~~day or two~~ period of time. It didn't hurt that the sound of the water clock was alarmingly soothing.

Eventually, Parsee had to deal with the fact that the Shrine was going to be a sort of ... joint venture. There were elements of Greek mythos here, elements of something... otherworldly and unrelated to both, and now elements of Shinto. It meant that this wasn't simply a shrine, it was now close to a little temple complex. Whether she liked it or not, it was what it was, and she had to cope.

So, after she'd calmed down, she finally started to try and make do. Parsee and the broom she'd found were currently busily sweeping as the water clock 'tonked' behind the whole complex. She was trying to keep it completely clean and pristine, inspecting the altar, grumbling and tapping her foot. She wasn't a priest, so how was this supposed to work at this point? Groaning, she shook her head. Did it matter? She, Melinoe and Viridi were the ones likely to get venerated here if anyone was, and probably more the two of them than her... so, she guessed it was supposed to be up to them?

Hearing footsteps, she glanced up, raising an eyebrow.]

We're still figuring out how the heck this is supposed to work, so ... uh... yeah. You've got me.

[ The first few weeks are the nightmare were hard. Rinoa disappeared into herself in a way she never really had before, spending a lot of time in her apartment with Angelo and Felix while she tried to process what happened - the things she saw, and felt, the things of which she dreamed. Time's moving for the first time in a long time and she's done almost nothing with it, lost in her own private reverie. If her friends were here, they'd hardly recognize her, she thinks—

It's that thought that somehow shakes her out of it. Friends, but she has friends here too, friends who went through the same difficulties as her and now are being completely ignored and avoided. And so it's with some guilt that she goes out in search of them, leaving her animal companions curled up dozing on the couch, her apartment near-dark from the deep of their sleep.

She's not surprised to find Parsee at the shrine bridge. She is surprised to see it changed, so different now to how it used to be. Her head tilts as she approaches the other, curiosity written over her features. ]

When did it change? [ A pause, and then: ] I'm sorry I haven't caught up with you since the nightmare.

Ah, Rinoa...

[This was awkward. This was really awkward. She'd gotten kind of fortunate in Memetos that the worst she'd done was piss Viridi off, and seriously that wasn't actually difficult with the littlest nature goddess. Most of her interactions had been with people in situations where jealousy couldn't make it worse, or with those immune to her wiles.

Rinoa had been the lone serious exception. Parsee hadn't gone looking for her, in part because she was embarrassed by just how possessive she'd gotten. She'd been so intensely jealous the moment she'd seen the fake Squall and recognized him for who he had to be, and it had gone downhill from there. Yeah, they'd gotten through it, but Rinoa had gotten the brunt of how demanding, unreasonable and envious Parsee could be, even if she hadn't done anything horrible specifically because of it. Part of the reason she hadn't looed Rinoa up had also been that she wasn't sure that Rinoa even wanted to see her.

So, she worried her lip, resting the broom against the altar and breathing in slowly.]

Real recently. Time's working so... I think it's been a couple days? It's hard to keep track that well without eay and night. You... uh... didn't miss that much.

...

It's alright. I'd have understood if you didn't want to talk to me again. I made you feel things. A lot of things you shouldn't have had to And I wish I was more regretful about it.

[Becaue as uncomfortable as she was, she was honest enough to admit that she liked the envious way Rinoa had looked at her, and she knew that way could lead to trouble.]

[ It's not an apology, but for what it is, it's actually a lot more than Rinoa expected - or thought she deserved. In the dream, she learned for herself that she is who she is; she can't control it, and she doesn't need to be afraid of it. The same, in her mind, is true for Parsee. What happened to them down there... it was a result of who the other woman is, and her powers. It was difficult, and more telling than she'll ever admit to anyone else, but it wasn't something Parsee did on purpose, either.

So it takes her a moment, but she shakes her head, and reaches out to place her hand over Parsee's, now that it's free of the broom. ]

It's not because of what happened that I haven't come to see you.

[ It's not entirely the truth. It is because of what happened, at least in part. But not anything that Parsee did, which is why it's easier to explain it this way. Right? Rinoa smiles, hoping that the other understands where she's coming from... or at least hoping that the smile shows that she's okay - that they're okay. ]

A lot happened down there and I guess I've kind of been keeping to myself, you know? And then I came out of my apartment and... I know you said it's not much, but it feels like lots changed.

[It definitely wasn't an apology, even if there was some contrition in there. Part of her had wanted that to happen, and that part had really liked how jealous Rinoa got. About Parsee. Of Parsee. That hint of possessiveness she'd tried to stoke had been... more intentional than she was ready to admit. But she'd also been far more intimately aware of that side of herself before Memetos.

Swallowing, he blinked when a hand was on the back of hers, color flooding her cheeks a little. The youkai hadn't expected physical contact of any kind right now, but she wasn't yanking her hand back. Her eyes had trouble meeting Rinoa's, but then the woman smiled and she started to relax a little, almost meeting her gaze.]

I... kind of get it. You have a lot to process I guess. Easier alone. Didn't want to be a bother...

... the shrine? It's kind of irritating. Think the void's trying to make some sort of complex or something. [She shrugged.] I don't really like it, but none of us do. We kind of agreed to share, because it'll be worse if I try to compete.

[Her eyes turned down and she breathed in and out.]

I... yeah, I guess there's been changes. But... are you sure you're ok? I said some things, did some things. You should be mad at me right now.

[ Oh, that's right. There's more than just Parsee here who would count as a spirit that could be worshipped or prayed to, right? She hasn't met all of them, but she certainly remembers that there are even those here who are identified as gods back on their own worlds. At least everyone's agreed to share the place - she's not sure how she feels about a collection of deities and other spirits fighting over any of the places they have here.

She's about to ask if there's anything she can do to help - tend it, help clean up, something like that - when Parsee tells her she should be mad, and the younger woman shakes her head again, her fingers tightening briefly over Parsee's hand before she lets go. ]

Why would I be angry? You can't control who you are any more than anyone else, Parsee. Plus, after so long without our powers, I don't know if anyone was expecting to have them back so suddenly, you know? And...

[ She's quiet for a moment here, thinking it over before she offers the other woman a small smile. ]

If what I experienced down there was even the tiniest part of what you have to deal with every day, then you're probably the strongest person here!

Ngh... you can be so forgiving sometimes. I almost hate it, even if I don't.

Her hands went to Rinoa's forearms, fingers coiling around the sleeves that she wore there and making their way to grip while she stepped in enough that there really wasn't much more than a few inches between them, the shorter blonde looking up at her out of the corner of her eye.]

Fine... you can forgive me for being a literal spirit of jealousy, and doing what comes naturally. I... I can deal with that. It's what you are, and you can't help being kind of a saint about this, but I'm not that strong. I'm just used to being this way.

Ngh... why aren't you upset with me about how jealous I am? About you? [Fine, she'd just flat out say it.] You realize I'm jealous of Squall right? That I probably always will be? I don't even know why I'm jealous of the fact that he's such a big piece of your whole world, but I am, and I don't ... I don't get why you keep forgiving me for that.

[ The thing is, she understands that Parsee is jealous of Squall. The spirit essentially said as much in the depths of the nightmare realm. It could just be that she doesn't quite understand the depth of it, or that she'd never be angry or feel the need to forgive someone over feelings of jealousy, or maybe a mix of the two; even she's not entirely sure herself. Either way, all she can do in response to the admission is shake her head and smile. ]

Why would I need to forgive you, though? I don't understand. It's okay to be jealous of him, you know? It's true, he's... he's someone who's really important to me, and... [ She makes a face, something a little embarrassed, a little apologetic. ] I know I talk about him a lot, too. I think when it's like that, it can be kinda difficult...

[ Difficult how, she's not exactly sure she can put into words. She's not even sure that she understands it in her own mind. But it's a lot, for people like them, to be here alone without the usual comforts from home. And perhaps even harder for Parsee, dealing with someone as attached to home as Rinoa is. ]

[She sagged, her fingers relaxing their hold on Rinoa's forearms. One went up to the shoulder and gripped languidly there while her head came in to rest against the opposite one. The other went to her waist. Was it a hug, or was she just leaning against her? Little hard to say, but she pressed with the hand at the shoulder and with her weight, trying to give the non-verbal cue that she was hoping to get them down, seated. If she could get Rinoa to play along, she'd try and set in her lap.]

... [Sigh] You... realize that it might be because I wish I was as important to you as he is, right? I don't know if that's what's going through my head. Most people push me away when I get this jealous, so I never explore the why. But you have to realize that might be it, don't you?

[She closed her eyes. Rinoa would probably forgive that too. She was pretty sure of it, because it just seemed in her nature. She almost wanted to tell her that if he were here, she wouldn't be able to appease them both. You couldn't make everyone happy. In her mind, someone always lost, usually her.]

But... if you're ok with it, I... might want to figure out why I'm jealous for once.

[ Perhaps it's a little hard to understand exactly what the mark of affection is, but it's still more than she ever expected to get from the other, so it's more than welcome. And maybe there's a hint of confusion in her smile, but Rinoa does in fact sit down when nudged to do so. The rest of her expression remains gentle, reassuring; in response to the question, she nods. Even if that's what it is, why would that make it not okay? ]

If you wanna figure out why you're jealous, I'll support you. I'm not just gonna push you away for feelings you can't help.

[ And what if that is it? For her part, Rinoa's never dealt with something quite like this before. But regardless... ]

Let's just take it one step at a time, okay? And if that's what it turns out to be, we'll figure it out when we get there. You know?

[She made it sound so easy. It sounded so god-damned easy for her to just deal with feelings. Parsee didn't even know if she had feelings, if she was just jealous because she had so few friends and now this woman refused to stop being close to her. Forgave her for anything, or if she wished... well, if that was what it is, what would she have wished?

Her face was beet red. Her fingers clenched a little.]

A step at a time... and ... if that's what it turns out to be... you'll just have to decide how you feel about that in turn right?

[Because that's how this sort of thing worked, wasn't it? And now she was being unfair and implanting the thought in Rinoa's head. What if!]

[ It's true that for Rinoa, dealing with feelings is easy, something that comes to her almost without thinking. But she is also used to dealing with those who aren't so accustomed to it, so it's easy for her to take Parsee's embarrassment in stride.

She shakes her head, reaching out and once more brushing her fingers against the other's wrist, an almost patting motion with the intent of helping her calm down where she's burning up with embarrassment. She's not about to make promises she can't keep, but something she can promise at least is... ]

I'll think about it carefully, okay? If you're going to take such big steps, then it's the least I can do.

[She flinched the first time hands touched her wrist, but relaxed immediately afterwards. Her body just sort of sank into the half-way embrace. There was something so odd about what Rinoa said. Parsee swallowed, her hands gripping a little more tightly while she kept her eyes closed and whispered.]

Thank you... for not making promises... still can't believe you'd say that much.

[After all, she knew there was Squall. She remembered being in space, the glimmer of regret, fear and hope. How long had they ended up in space? If this just friendship and she was coping with her own stupid psyche that was easy. Give her a month and she'd figure something out. Probably. But if she was actually interested in this girl? Squall was still very real, right?

But Rinoa hadn't just flat out said 'you understand I can't do that' or the like. She'd only promised that she'd think about it.]

But... thank you for offering to at least consider. I really wouldn't have thought you would.

[After all, Squall had to be a better choice? Ngh... she could control the jealousy, but it was definitely there.]

The Steps of Dealing With it (The Unnamed Shrine/Bridge)

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afterrrr the thread in the gym

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